What happens if you give a mouse a cookie? He’s gonna want a glass of milk.
That’s basically what’s going on right now with this whole Oklahoma Capitol monument situation. See, in 2012, a monument of the 10 Commandments was installed at the Capitol, and it’s caused quite the opening for other groups (religious and otherwise) to submit their monument ideas (all because the monument was privately funded).
Most recently Satanists from New York submitted this design for their monument (which, actually, looks awesome and so metal):
Here’s the thing, though: If religion is defined as a collection of beliefs, cultural systems and world views that relate humanity to an order of existence, why can’t the following five ideas be turned into Oklahoma Capitol monuments, too?
5. Biscuits and gravy
This is Oklahoma, and a majority of Oklahomans love biscuits and gravy. So, why not build a monument to the delicious breakfast anytime dish at the Oklahoma Capitol?
I think it should be more than just a monument though. I’m thinking a massive, working gravy fountain, with a gravy waterfall, and statues of biscuits peppered throughout.
Something like this, but with more biscuits and gravy!
4. Luke Skywalker
I’ve been a Star Wars fan since I was a zygote so I would love to see a monument built to the greatness that is Luke Skywalker, Grand Master of the Jedi Order. I’m hoping those folks at Jedi OKC can help me out with this.
I’d love to see a larger-than-life-sized statue of Master Skywalker, in full Jedi regalia, lightsaber in hand. And, to make it fun for the kids, there can be a sword-in-the-stone-type thing, except with a lightsaber*. Everyone would have a great time.
Or, to just be funny, we can have a 20-foot-by-20-foot monument of this:
*I know lightsabers can’t be stuck in stone, because they’re lightsabers. Duh. BUT IT’D STILL BE AWESOME.
3. Kevin Durant
Kevin Durant is an Oklahoma gem, and he totally deserves a monument.
That is, until he leaves us for a larger market and makes us all sadface.jpg.
But! Until then, I think this should be the basis for the monument:
2. Bob Stoops and Mike Gundy
I had to put these two blokes together in one entry. If I didn’t, I’d hear all day long from readers (via the comments section below) about favoritism this, favoritism that. Blech. So, I say, build a monument featuring both these amazing coaches! Based on this image, of course:
1. Gary England
Photo by Mark Potts / LA Times
I don’t think much needs to be said about why a monument to Gary England should be constructed. He’s the man, the myth, the legend, and for years he kept Oklahomans safe with his severe weather coverage. In short, Gary England is one of the most — if not the most — important Oklahomans of all time (take that, Chuck Norris). I’ll personally donate $20 to the cause. I just want to see him smiling in the final product: