Anger that’s controlled can be a positive force

By Charlotte Lankard Comments 0
Published: October 15, 2009

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. While it is designed to help us solve problems, it is also the leading cause of problems in relationships.

The problem, of course, is not the feeling of anger.

"Imagine driving up a steep hill in neutral,” says Ron Huxley, a child and family therapist, author, speaker and a parent of four. "It wouldn’t happen. You would just roll backward.

"To get up the hill, you need power. Anger is a powerful energy and can be used to overcome some big hills in your life.”

Unfortunately, most people use anger in a destructive versus a constructive manner. They react and retaliate, out of habit, and defend themselves instead of using the angry feelings as energy to find a resolution to their problems.

If you learned as a child that anger is bad and must be eliminated, you will try to bottle it up. But eventually you’ll explode — often over the smallest, most insignificant situation.

If you grew up in a family that freely and uncontrollably expressed anger, you may see angry outbursts as a way to control others or get what you want. The downside of that is people may begin to avoid you, and you may end up alone.

Huxley says uncontrolled and unmanaged anger makes us stupid. He believes it is essential to realize the feeling is not bad but that how we manage it and choose to express it is the key to making it work for us, rather than against us.

Learning to manage our own anger will also teach our children and grandchildren, co-workers and friends that anger doesn’t have to be hurtful.

You might be interested in checking out Huxley’s Web site: www.parentingtoolbox.com. Good help can be found there.

All of us have at times said things we wish we hadn’t said and done things we wish we hadn’t done. While it is important to apologize to our children or anyone else who may have been hurt by such things, apologizing isn’t enough.

We have to learn how to keep from repeating the same mistake.

Charlotte Lankard, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is in private practice with Baptist Counseling Associates. Her Web site is www.charlottelankard.com.