Are lies eating away at trust?

By Linda Swift

Published: February 25, 2008

Perhaps you're sitting on endless hold, listening to a recorded voice say, "We're experiencing an exceptionally heavy volume of calls today; your call is important to us,” when it hits you: We're awash in a sea of lies.

A recent survey sponsored by the British beverage company WKD seems to bear that out. According to its poll, the average person tells nearly 88,000 lies during a 60-year lifespan. And men lead the pack, lying about five times for every three untruths told by women.

It's reassuring to learn that the majority of these fibs are what the Brits call "porkies,” the white lies that grease the skids of human discourse. Among the most common: "Nothing's wrong; I'm fine,” "Nice to see you,” "Sorry I missed your call,” "Of course I love you,” "I'm stuck in traffic,” "Our server was down,” "The check's in the mail,” "The train was delayed” and "This tastes delicious.”

The survey, which polled teenagers across the country, found that 71 percent consider themselves fully prepared to make ethical decisions. However, 38 percent of that group believes that cheating, plagiarism and lying are sometimes justified in order to succeed.

A persistent pattern of lying or evading often begins in childhood, said Beverly Rapp, a licensed marital and family therapist and substance abuse counselor in Oklahoma City. When Mom says, "Tell him I'm not here,” or Dad calls in sick so he can play golf, children observe and internalize that behavior.

Apparently, the first chancellor of the German Empire never set foot in a singles bar, where more than one pocket may hold a slipped-off wedding ring. And as the singles scene increasingly moves online, dishonesty seems to travel with it.

In fact, the relative anonymity of Internet communication may make it easier to fib while flirting. The Pew Internet & American Life Project reports that 57 percent of Internet users believe many people seeking dates online lie about their marital status.

That's not the only fiction in online dating, say researchers at Cornell University. They did a study comparing profiles on dating Web sites to participants' actual height and weight measurements and the ages shown on their driver's licenses. The findings: More than half of the men overstated their height, and more than 60 percent of both genders understated their weight. Deception about age was less common: about 24 percent for men and 13 percent for women.

But the Web also makes it easier to double-check information. The popular dating Web site Match.com encourages members to research potential dates, such as using Internet search engines. And the Pew report, based on a 2005 survey conducted by Princeton Survey Research International, shows that among single Internet users seeking romantic partners, 17 percent have searched online for information about people they were dating or about to meet.

Of course, deception in the dating scene isn't limited to the Internet. And a certain amount of dishonesty ("Yes, I love sports”) can be expected in the courtship phase.

But when lies become part of a long-term relationship, the problems increase. Marriage and family therapist Rapp has seen ample evidence of that. Some of the couples she counsels are dealing with serious deceit, such as a secret affair.

When it comes to deliberate, habitual lying, Rapp said some people are afraid to tell the truth.

"They've grown up in some kind of context that informs them that it's not safe to do that. They've even picked a partner, whether they know they have or not, who will kind of reinforce that,” she said.

Such dishonesty is damaging, she said, "because the truth of the relationship is invalid. Each person is living out an individual story, and the stories aren't coming together in a way that allows the couple to really live in an intimate way.”

Couples who seek Rapp's help, however, are more often plagued by a less dramatic deception problem: broken promises. (He agrees to take out the trash; she promises to stop letting her mother run her life.) Early lapses tend to be overlooked, probably because such declarations are usually made with good intentions.

And who among us has kept all of our New Year's resolutions? But if those broken promises become repetitive, they move into the category of lies.

When it comes to white lies ("That dress doesn't make you look fat”), Rapp applies a different standard.

"Whether or not to tell the complete truth has to be weighed from the perspective of harm that it might do,” Rapp said.

She suggests asking yourself a series of questions well-known among therapists: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? "You should meet two of the three criteria if you have a real question.”

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