Sunday Conversation ... on grief
Sunday Conversation ... on grief

By Bryan Painter Comments 0
Published: April 6, 2008

Mary LeBeau and husband Jay LeBeau of Edmond were at a movie when their son Matthew called on the night of July 13, 2003.

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Sunday Conversation - Losing a child

Apr 5Bryan Painter speaks with Mary LeBeau about the Compassionate...

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•There is never a charge to attend a meeting. What is said at meetings is treated as confidential.

•For more information: The 24-hour line in Oklahoma is 789-8840. The state Web site is tcfoklahoma.com. The number of the Oak Brook, Ill., national office is (630) 990-0010. Or visit the Web site at compassionate

friends.org

"Mom, come home,” he said.

He'd had a headache before they left.

"Do you need me to call 911?” she asked.

"No, just come home,” he said.

Her cell phone signal faded as they ran out of the theater. When she got it back, she immediately called 911.

When the LeBeaus reached home, their 23-year-old son was on the floor in their bedroom. He had died of a brain aneurysm.

Mary LeBeau is chairman of the North Oklahoma City Chapter of The Compassionate Friends, a national nonprofit, self-help support organization that offers "friendship, understanding and hope” to families grieving the death of a child of any age, regardless of the cause.

Q: What did you find when you went to your first meeting in November after Matthew's death in July?

A: When we went to the first meeting I didn't want to walk through those doors. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want it to be real that Matthew was dead. We walked into the room, and we're crying and we heard laughter. And it's OK.

We thought ‘These people know what we're going through.' We found The Compassionate Friends to be a place of fellowship, understanding and nurturing. We thought ‘Maybe someday we'll have laughter in our home again.'”

Q:People often grieve differently. Relate that to your family, your husband as well as your daughters Jennifer and Jaycee and son Michael.

A: Jay, my husband, is very quiet and reserved. It was difficult for him because Matt worked for him as well. So he had no place in this world where he could go without some reminder of Matt. So he's very different than I am. I'm out there with it. Anything to try to stop the pain. The kids, they each one handled it very, very differently. You need to find a place to tell you it's OK, it's OK to grieve differently.

Q:Why should someone give you a call or come to your Web site?

A: Compassionate Friends is a very loving, caring organization. It doesn't matter what race, what religion, we're all families that have lost a child, a sibling or a grandchild. We're a group of people that will welcome you with a hug. You can cry. You can say the crazy things that you think in the safe environment where it's OK. When you get down to it, all I'm really saying is ‘I want the pain to stop.' We're just a very safe, loving place and a place that you get to share about your child. The reality is you don't get over it, you learn to live with it. You integrate it into your life and learn how to have a full life, a loving life and a life with some joy with the grief and the loss of your child. And that's the way we try to reach out to other grieving families is that you can have a full, loving life again but you don't have to forget your child. And you will grieve for that child forever.

Q:So, tell me something about your grieving that you wished others understood.

A:It's different with every family, but it's like Matt didn't exist anymore. He didn't get birthday cards, we don't get phone calls. They don't want to upset us but do you think we're ever going to forget his birthday or we're ever going to forget his death day? Yes it's upsetting but we're upset already. Call us. Send a note that you're thinking about us but more than anything that you remember that Matt lived. Just remember. And that's kind of a goal of Compassionate Friends is to help people get to a resolution that you can live and that you can remember that they lived.

Q:Give me a change you've noticed in yourself.

A: I had always been pretty quiet and reserved and I'm not so much anymore. I will tell people what I think. If somebody says something that I find to be rude or unfeeling, uncaring, they're going to hear about it. Passions develop out of adversity and for me I have a passion to reach out and help other bereaved parents any way I can, if only a hug or a phone call. I want to be someone people can come to.

Q:For someone who hasn't been through what you have, put it in your words.

A:You're thrown into the pits of hell, everything is out of your control and you cannot fathom a life without them.