For months now, I've climbed on the scale on Thursdays to monitor my progress or check the damage. I've blogged about the results and posted the news on Facebook. I've told you my weight each Sunday.
But I didn't weigh in last week.
I've taken some grief for that decision already. Carrie Coppernoll, a columnist here, seems to view my decision as a betrayal. Bob Doucette, a reporter and fitness fiend, hinted at physical violence when he found out.
Here's the deal, though: I need a week away from the scale.
One week. That's all.
I haven't been doing well at this weight loss stuff recently. If you read the blog, you've seen me document my struggles. I've been tired, enervated, uninspired.
I haven't been keeping track of my meals each day. In a lot of ways, I've been falling back into my old habits, the ones that made me fat to begin with.
You probably know me well enough by now to realize that my first recourse, whenever I stumble, is self-recrimination. I've been beating myself up every day.
One of my readers posted an insightful comment on the blog:
"Welcome to the wall, Ken, at least that's what I call it. I think you are at the intersection of a life change where your willpower is almost exhausted and you are not mentally ready yet to embrace a new set of priorities in your life. I think you've come a long way, don't get me wrong, but in every race or challenge there is a period of time where, quite frankly, you don't think you can finish. I think you are there."
I think so, too.
I have made progress. The other day, I pulled all my jackets and coats out of the closet and tried them on. The heavy winter coat I'd purchased last year is now ridiculously huge on me. No way I can wear it.
A tweed blazer that had grown difficult to button is roomy now; my wife thinks it looks too big, but that's how I like it. An old leather jacket I'd outgrown is baggy again.
I have tangible evidence that I've lost weight.
What I don't have proof of is that I can continue to lose weight. Or that I can keep it off. Those are the two things that are haunting me.
I had a bad week. Truth to tell, I've had a bad two months.
As my commenter said, I've hit the wall.
Now I need to find the strength to climb over that wall.
Weighing in on Thursday, when I was already feeling weak, would've stopped me in my tracks.
Staff Writer Ken Raymond began a yearlong weight loss and fitness journey on April 1. Here are his stats:
Height: About 6 feet 1 inch
Beginning weight: 307 pounds
Current weight: ???