Woman unsure how to react after learning boyfriend once was sister's lover

John Gray answers readers' questions about their relationships.
By John Gray Published: July 17, 2012
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DEAR JOHN: I've just discovered that the man I'm dating is someone who also dated my sister. When I say “date,” what I mean is that they were friends with benefits for several years. He says he kept quiet about this because he didn't want to lose me, because I am the real thing for him. I want to believe him, but I can't get the image out of my head of his being my sister's (as she once put it) “Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.” Am I being silly?

— Second Sister in Dallas

DEAR SECOND SISTER: Both of you have had other relationships. And certainly your feelings are understandable, considering that one of his most intimate ones was with your sister. But ask yourself this: If you hadn't found out, would you want to stay in the relationship? Has he given you any reason to believe he is still attracted to her — or anyone else — and would act on this attraction?

If the answer is no, you should think about your future together instead of his past with her. In his mind, it is over. In your mind, it should be, too.

DEAR JOHN: I'm having a hard time accepting my daughter's fiance. He is overbearing and decides everything for her, including what she'll wear and eat. The sad part is that she used to be so independent! To top it off, after their wedding next spring, he wants her to leave her very important and high-paying job to accompany him to where he lives, which is five hours away. Since he works for himself, he could live anywhere. How can I convince her that she's making a mistake?



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