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Authorities have arrested a couple of big-time, oddly-named gangsters in the past couple of days.

• Mob boss James Bulger was arrested in California. (Incidentally, Bulger is connected to an Oklahoma homicide.) Nickname: Whitey.
• La Familia gang leader Jose de Jesus Mendez Vargas was arrested in Mexico. Nickname: El Chango, or The Monkey.

OK, let me preface this by saying that I’ve never been the leader of an underground criminal contingent. But I’m going to go ahead and say it: these nicknames are ridiculous. If I were some kind of ruthless, blood-thirsty gangster, I’d want to be known as “Carrie the Assassin” or “Carrie the Killer” or “Carrie the Meanie.” When I think of these guys’ nicknames, I think of this: