8:01 pm “It’s Britney, B—h.” Not to go all Perez/Egotastic/The Superficial on you, but when you’re going to wear an outfit designed to fit a Bratz doll, you might want to start the Pilates regimen earlier. Okay, that’s that. “Gimmie More” is not what most people would characterize as a first-rate comeback single, and this routine was like a sluggish version of something she would have done at the VMAs about six years ago, but it will probably be a decent temporary band aid for all the career damage. I think I would have waited a while, eaten some vegetables and tried something in February at the Grammys.
8:04 pm “She is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old, and already she has accomplished everything she is going to accomplish in her life.” — Sarah Silverman.
8:05 pm I don’t even know if I can do justice to what Silverman just did given the Family Viewing Time standards of this live blog. Go to YouTube, boys and girls, but check with Mommy and Daddy to make sure it’s OK. Suffice to say, it was on the order of the “Miracle of Birth” segment of “The Meaning of Life,” done with facial puppetry.
8:08 pm Alicia Keys has a deer caught in the headlights moment while talking about behind-the-scenes parties. Granted, an immaculately made-up and radiant blinded deer, but a blinded deer, nevertheless.
8:11 pm Nicole “Not Ready For Prime Time” Scherzinger and Eve present “Monster Single of the Year.” Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend,” “Fall Out Boy’s “Thnks Fr Th Mmrs,” Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” Lil’ Mama’s “Lip Gloss,” Mims’ “This is Why I’m Hot,” Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah,” Shop Boyz, “Party Like a Rock Star,” Daughtry’s “Home,” T-Pain and Yung Joc’s “Buy You a Drank,” and Timbaland and Keri Hilson’s “The Way I Are.” And the winner is…
Rihanna, like there was any question-estion-estion.
8:15 pm Kanye does “Stronger.” Personally, I think this fits his standard mode of dropping an underperforming single as the first out of the gate before releasing something that makes everyone’s brain explode. Nice Daft Punk sample, though.
8:21 pm Akon rocks “Smack That” with Mark Ronson’s soultastic horns. Could have stood to hear the entire thing, which marks a first with me and Akon.
8:23 pm Robin “Alan” Thicke and Jennifer Hudson announce noms for “Quadruple Threat” award: Beyonce (singer, dancer, actor, clothing line), Bono (singer, social activist, guest editor, eco entrepreneur [Wha?], Jay-Z (rapper, producer, CEO/business man, clothing line), Justin Timberlake (singer/dancer, actor, clothing line [was that a triple? does singer/dancer count as one?]), Kanye West (rapper/producer, social activist, clothing line).
And the winner is …
8:33 pm Kanye and 50 Cent take the stage together and face off a la the Rolling Stone cover. Ever have the feeling you’re being jerked around by a hype machine? Nah, me neither. They announce “Most Earth Shattering Collaboration: Akon feat. Eminem, “Smack That,” Beyonce and Shakira, “Beautiful Liar,” Gwen Stefani feat. Akon, “The Sweet Escape,” Timber feat. Timba, “SexyBack,” U2 feat. Green Day, “The Saints Are Coming.” And the winner is …
8:36 pm Adam Levine of Maroon 5 takes his spot with Ronson and the horns. Why is this guy always better working with people other than his own band, and isn’t he the guy who persuaded Juliet to go to the island on “Lost”?
Okay, so Adam Levine and Nestor Carbonell, separated at birth?
8:45 pm Chris Brown does his Usher Raymond imitation, which was kind of a Michael Jackson imitation.
8:47 pm Rihanna upstages Brown with a rocked-out “Umbrella.” Brown then starts dancing to — oooh, snap! — “Billie Jean.”
8:54 pm Seth Rogen and Tulsa’s Bill Hader roll out the choices for Best New Artist, which you are supposed to vote for by texting. The choices are Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen, Gym Class Heroes, Carrie Underwood and Peter Bjorn and John. My wife would vote for Wino, I would vote for (guess who?), and I think the Staticblog rabble goes for PBJ, though the rest of the state goes for the Checotah Wonder.
8:56 pm The cast of “The Hills” announces Male Artist of the Year: Akon, Robin “Alan” Thicke, T.I, JT or Kanye West. And the winner is …
JT, who once again, tells MTV to play more videos. “We don’t want to watch ‘The Simpsons’ on reality television.” What does that mean? I mean, I’ll side with him on the Ashlee/Jessica debate, but let’s see what really happens when people stop acting cell-animated and start acting real.
9:06 pm My CBGB nemesis, Shia LaBeouf, announces the title of the new Indy movie: “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” then announces Female Artist of the Year noms: Beyonce, Fergie, Nelly Furtado, Rihanna and Wino. And the winner is …
Fergie, who I uploaded as a thumbnail because I just can’t take it. I could take Wino on sheer drunken talent or Rihanna on aesthetics, but this is the kind of thing that makes people hate pop music in general and MTV in particular.
9:10 pm Kanye party continues, now with a pair of white Ray-Ban knockoffs obviously stolen from Flavor Flav. Like the quiet storm grooves, though.
9:18 pm Timbaland serves as opening act for Linkin Park, and suddenly it is 2000 again. Next up, throw your red ballcaps in the air for the Bizkit!
9:23 pm Vince and E announce Best Group noms: Fall Out Boy, Gym Class Heroes (who never met an interpolation they didn’t like), Linkin Park, Maroon 5 and the White Stripes. Not that I spend my days and nights politicking for My Chemical Romance, but what gives? And the winner is …
9:31 pm Rihanna duets with the Stump on “Shut Up and Drive.” Now the song doesn’t sound quite as much like something Robert John “Mutt” Lange coughed up for Shania, which she, in turn, passed off to a budding R&B starlet.
9:33 pm Nelly, of the St. Louis Nellies, introduces Alicia Keys, who seriously looks like she’s joining Earth Wind and Fire on the casino circuit. I don’t like it when parents put those headbands on infants, and I don’t like it when they put them on full-grown pop stars, either. With all those jewels on her eyelashes, Keys’ levator palpebrae superiorises are going to be ripped! Also, Keys takes the first step to rehabbing George Michael’s career by segueing into “Freedom ’90.” And we didn’t even have to ask.
9:44 pm Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner. Foxx spends a great deal of time babbling about Garner. He finally allows her to talk before going forward with the Best New Artist announcement. To recap: Lily, PBJ, Gym Class Appropriators, Wino and Carrie “A Louisville Slugger” Underwood. And the winner is … and keep in mind, this is being voted on by MTV viewers …
9:56 pm Mary J. Blige, quite possibly the most talented person to take the stage the entire evening, does not perform. Instead, she introduces Dr. Dre. “‘Detox’ baby, it’s coming,” Dre says, referring to the “Chinese Democracy” of hip-hop albums. So Blige introduces Dre, and Dre introduces the Video of the Year noms, to wit: Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” (which was unremarkable), Justice’s “D.A.N.C.E.,” which is my choice mainly because it rocks socks and will send Kanye stumbling into the desert on an impromptu vision quest if it wins, Rihanna feat. Jay-Z’s “Umbrella,” JT’s “What Comes Around,” Kanye’s “Stronger” and Wino’s “Rehab.” And the winner is …