Welcome to Staticblog’s Live Coverage of the 80th Annual Academy Awards

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7 p.m. “Well, that’s because he’s dead, and nobody wants to be dead.” — George Clooney after Regis Philbin trots out the well-worn notion that Clooney’s the new Cary Grant and everybody wants to be him now.

7:04 p.m.  “Edith Piaf died before you were even born. Did you know anything about her beforehand?” Shawn Robertson asks Marion Cotillard about perhaps the most famous French performer in the history of French performers. It’s like asking Tom Hanks if he feels comfortable playing a World War II soldier when he was clearly born after the war. Oh, and the WWII soldier he played was an Edith Piaf fan, if I recall. My soul train of thought is chugging out of the station.

7:08 p.m. “I am so glad that you don’t have that haircut.” — Robertson tells Javier Bardem. Jeez, it makes you pine for the eloquence and trenchant analysis of Billy Bush.

7:13 p.m. “I’m playing the madame in a whorehouse in Nevada, and I think a little bit of my character is rubbing off on me,” said Helen Mirren, referring to the red dress she’s wearing as a presenter. Regis quickly steps away, concerned that it might soon rub off on him.

7:18 p.m. Unknown teenagers screaming for Miley Cyrus. Not enough stars to interview, Reege?

7:22 p.m. Ellen Page says she “won’t lie” — she’s been celebrating her 21st birthday with some drinkeepoos. And it isn’t even the Golden Globes!

7:24 p.m. Doesn’t that Oscar torso with the countdown clock look like a golden middle finger?

7:27 p.m. Reege just called the Best Supporting Actor frontrunner Xavier Bardem. Like he’s a Cuban bandleader or something.

7:30 p.m. Montage-o-rama featuring a frenetic delivery of statuettes amid crazy, madcap figures of SFX yesteryear. Thank goodness the writers are back.

7:33 p.m. “The fight is over, so tonight, welcome to the makeup sex!” — Jon Stewart.

7:35 p.m. “‘Atonement’ — finally a story that captured the passion and raw sexuality of Yom Kippur.” — JS is rolling.

7:37 p.m. “Diablo Cody used to be an exotic dancer, and now she’s a screenwriter. I hope you’re enjoying your paycut.” — JS.

7:42 p.m. Jennifer Garner announces Best Costume Designer.

COSTUME DESIGN
[   ] Across the Universe
[   ] Atonement
[   ] Elizabeth: The Golden Age
[   ] La Vie en Rose
[   ] Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

And the winner is Alexandra Byrne for the ridiculous “Elizabeth.”

7:47 p.m. George Clooney begins the first of many clipjobs. Jack Palance doing pushups. David Niven and the streaker, Adrien Brody’s kiss-a-rama, and Rob Lowe dancing with Snow White — all the best.

7:52 p.m. Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway announce animated features.

ANIMATED FEATURE
[   ] Persepolis
[   ] Ratatouille
[   ] Surf’s Up

And the winner is…

Brad Bird for the ”Rat in Mi Kitchen” movie.

7:57 p.m. Katherine Heigl announces …

MAKEUP
[   ] La Vie en Rose
[   ] Norbit
[   ] Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

And the winner is not Norbit. It is La Vie En Rose. And this is a picture of…

Katherine Heigl, because I cannot find pictures of the makeup designers for the Edith Piaf movie.

8:02 p.m. Amy Adams does a perky rendition of  ”Happy Working Song,” one of three “Enchanted” songs that could possibly cancel one another out tonight. She’s great, though, and she should have already racked up her first Oscar for acting by now.

8:07 p.m. Visual effect Dwayne Johnson announces …

VISUAL EFFECTS
[   ] The Golden Compass
[   ] Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
[   ] Transformers

And the winner is…

The Golden Compass. Yes, it was one of the biggest bombs of 2007,  but those polar bears could fight and talk better than most drunk Hollywood starlets.

8:10 p.m. Cate Blanchett announces…

ART DIRECTION
[   ] American Gangster
[   ] Atonement
[   ] The Golden Compass
[   ] Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
[   ] There Will Be Blood

And the winner is…
 

Sweeney Todd. True dat — no Oscar-nominated film this year owed so much to art direction.

8:15 p.m. Jennifer Hudson announces …

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
[   ] Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
[   ] Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
[   ] Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson’s War
[   ] Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild
[   ] Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

And the winner is…

Bardem, who thanked the Coens for being “crazy enough to think that I could do that, and put one of the most horrible haircuts in history on my head.”

8:22 p.m. Stewart offers a look at Oscar’s Salute to Binoculars and Periscopes before Keri Russell arrives to introduce “Raise It Up” from “August Rush,” a movie I liked despite having every molecule in my body telling me to reject it.

8:28 p.m. Owen Wilson arrives to announce

SHORT FILM – LIVE ACTION
[   ] At Night
[   ] Il Supplente (The Substitute)
[   ] Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets)
[   ] Tanghi Argentini
[   ] The Tonto Woman

And the Oscar Goes to…

“The Mozart of Pickpockets.”

8:31 p.m. Jerry Seinfeld of the unnominated “Bee Movie” announces…