Welcome to StaticBlog’s 51st Annual Grammy Awards Live Blog

Yes, it’s that time of the year again, when your faithful servants at NewsOK.com and The Oklahoman spend their evenings working over the minutiae of awards shows. You love it, we feel like we’ve been flattened by enormous trophies after it, but I truly enjoy our snarky little town hall meetings of pop culture.  I’ve had my Boca on an English muffin (yes, I know — dirty), and I’ve got a 1 liter Sigg bottle at the ready — my co-worker Brandy told me to stay hydrated, mainly because she knows how these things start to read during the third hour, and it was her subtle hint to stay away from the hooch.

In addition to all the musical fun, we’ll be keeping track of the number of obligatory appearances by actors from CBS shows. This network flogs its actors artlessly at these things, so watch out for Dennis Haysbert of “The Unit” presenting “Best Crypto-Calypso Dance Mix Mash-Up By A Female Country Singer.”

Let’s have it, kids!

7 p.m. U2 plays “Get On Your Boots” to kick things off. I’m having difficulty warming to this song, mainly because the verses don’t remind me of Elvis Costello’s “Pump It Up” as much as they remind me of the Escape Club’s “Wild Wild West.” I’m sure I’ll come around, because at least they’re back to trying new things after wallowing in classicist You Too for the past decade.  Man, I’m glad will.i.am didn’t produce this noise.

7:06 p.m. Whitney Houston keeps it together long enough to announce R&B Album, then sucks up to Clive Davis, who pulled her butt out of the fire. And the winner is…

Jennifer Hudson.  Nicely done after a rotten year, but regardless of personal circumstances, Raphael Saadiq deserved this one. “The Way I See It” is phenomenal.

7:08 p.m. Dwayne Johnson thinks that Grammy stands for “Great Recording Artists Making Music… Yes!” As opposed to “Gross Rhetoric Always Makes Me Yakk!” Apparently, Katy Perry just threw up a little, too.

7:10 p.m. J.T. thinks he loves The Rock, then introduces my minister, the Rev. Al Green, who launches into “Let’s Stay Together” with Timber along for the ride. Justin is only improving as a performer, and they can match each other falsetto for falsetto, and Keith Urban acquits himself nicely on the guitar solo, but I think just about anyone would feel a little overmatched in the presence of Al.

7:21 p.m. Simon Baker (Obligatory CBS Actor No. 1) introduces Coldplay. Chris Martin is playing the acoustic version of “Lost” that we all got with our iTunes purchases, but then his best buddy ‘Ye comes on for what sounds like a freestyle. This isn’t really his strong suit, but at least he left the AutoTune at home. Then it segues into “Viva La Vida,” and so far, Joe Satriani hasn’t bum-rushed the stage. They are so going to win huge tonight — this was positioned so that Martin, out of breath, can wait in the wings to accept his award.

7:28 p.m. Carrie Underwood is doing “Last Name,” once again proving that our Checotah girl was destined for this kind of thing, and “American Idol” just made the ride a little faster. She’s killing up there, and the song rocks a little harder each time she hits it at one of these things.

7:32 p.m. Sheryl Crow and LeAnn Rimes announce…

BEST COUNTRY PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP
Brooks & Dunn, “God Must Be Busy”
Lady Antebellum, “Love Don’t Love Here”
Rascal Flatts, “Every Day”
The Steel Drivers, “Blue Side Of The Mountain”
Sugarland, “Stay”

And Sugarland wins. They’re Athens, Ga., which definitely works in their favor, beyond the fact that they’re pretty strong players for a mainstream country band.

7:42 p.m. Al Green just schooled Andy Williams, and joined Duffy in announcing…

SONG OF THE YEAR
“American Boy,” William Adams, Keith Harris, Josh Lopez, Caleb Speir, John Stephens, Estelle Swaray & Kanye West, songwriters (Estelle Featuring Kanye West, artist)
“Chasing Pavements,” Adele Adkins & Eg White, songwriters (Adele, artist)
“I’m Yours,” Jason Mraz, songwriter (Jason Mraz, artist)
“Love Song,” Sara Bareilles, songwriter (Sara Bareilles, artist)
“Viva La Vida,” Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland, Will Champion & Chris Martin, songwriters (Coldplay, artist)

And Coldplay wins. What did I tell you? Now Kid Rock is playing some retrograde boogie-rock that makes me want to chuck a can of something warm and cheap at my television. Then he screams out a tribute to Billy Powell of Skynyrd, which is his standard way of sidling up to better acts in hopes of getting a faint whiff of their magic. No dice, Bob.

7:54 p.m. Miley Cyrus joins Taylor Swift for “Fifteen.” Miley might have better vocal chops than Taylor, but Taylor’s the one who wrote or co-wrote her entire album. That gives her the edge every time.

7:58 p.m. “Best friend,” Miley? Sounds like something you say right before pulling someone’s hair. Now they announce…

BEST POP COLLABORATION WITH VOCALS
Alicia Keys and John Mayer, “Lessons Learned”
Madonna, Justin Timberlake, and Timbaland, “4 Minutes”
Robert Plant and Alison Krauss, “Rich Woman”
Rihanna and Maroon 5, “If I Never See Your Face Again”
Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, “No Air”

“This project has been spectacular from the beginning,” Plant says while accepting with Krauss. ”This song is such a spooky song. It’s the heart of the American underworld of rhythm and blues and shimmy.” That’s right — shimmy. I’ve been proferring various itirations of “Twilight of the soul” to describe this thing, but leave it to the master, the guy who recorded the song, to slice right to the truth. Shimmy!

8:04 p.m. Jennifer Hudson belts it, does it beautifully, tears up a little. Your Grammy Moment ™.

8:10 p.m. Emily Proctor (“CSI: Miami” — No. 2!”) and Jason Mraz introduce the Jonas Brothers playing with Stevie Wonder and his Vocoder. The Jonases basically sound like Maroon 5 here, but every time I hear Stevie just killing it live, I wish he hadn’t spent the past 25 years as the Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man of Soul. This man needs to write something that matters. Maybe he just needs a producer who will tell him to tap into the old passion, anger and soul.

8:16 p.m. Blink-182 finally give up on those boring side projects, reunite, hopefully recommit to potty jokes and introduce…

BEST ROCK ALBUM
Coldplay, Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends
Kid Rock, Rock N Roll Jesus
Kings Of Leon, Only By The Night
Metallica, Death Magnetic
Raconteurs, Consolers Of The Lonely

8:17 p.m. “Limestone kind of rock”? Yeah, a little like that whole Jethro Tull metal Grammy thing a couple of decades ago. Like I said, a Coldplay kind of night. The home turf guy who occasionally surfaces from me wanted the Kings to steal this one.

8:23 p.m. Craig Ferguson (No. 3) says, “Lesbians are totally awesome!” in announcing Katy Perry, who is terrible but… entertaining. The former Katy Hudson of Contemporary Christian music just adjusted her bra from the front.

8:28 p.m. Kanye West, who must have paid off Jerome Benton for access to Morris Day’s wardrobe, performs with Estelle on “American Boy.” Seriously, I expected Jerome to come out with a mirror. Then they announce…