Welcome to StaticBlog’s Live Blog of the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards
Okay, so you’re in the right place, so fall into a leather sofa or the nearest pile of socks, situate your laptop, iPhone, iPad or “Brazil”-style rigged-up IBM Selectric II Internet Machine where you cannot spill refreshments on it, sharpen your rhetorical knives and prepare to … comment. Snark in real-time is the best snark of all!
7 p.m. “She’s a monster, she’s a monster, SHE’S A MONSTER!!!” We’re starting out with Poker Face, looking almost entirely like Marilyn Manson with lady parts. And what’s with Elton? Looks like he had a toner mishap reloading the Kyocera.
7:05 p.m. You know, last night I was having my regular dose of rock religion (watching “Almost Famous”) and hearing some of Elton’s best songs, and hearing him croaking along with Lad Gag just emphasizes how much range he’s lost. Smudgy and pudgy is no way to go through life, son.
7:08 p.m. Stephen Colbert: “Pink-Eyed Green Peas!” And now it’s time for Song of the Year!
SONG OF THE YEAR
Beyonce, “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”
Kings Of Leon, “Use Somebody”
Lady Gaga, “Poker Face”
Maxwell, “Pretty Wings”
Taylor Swift, “You Belong With Me”
And the winner is: Beyonce, who is not there, “60 Minutes” hype segment notwithstanding. (Oh, too busy preparing for her performance to accept. Priorities, kids, priorities.)
7:14 p.m. Nifer.Pez introduces Green Day: The Musical. This juxtaposition is making me dizzy. These pretzels are making me thirsty. Honestly, this version of “21 Guns” is Fonz leaping the sharp-toothed fish. This doesn’t work — I’m all about the rock opera, until it sounds more Andrew Lloyd Webber than Gilman Street. Blecch.
7:24 p.m. Josh Duhamel and Kristen Bell promote their cheesetastic rom-com, and announce Best Country Album:
BEST COUNTRY ALBUM
Zac Brown Band, The Foundation
George Strait, Twang
Taylor Swift, Fearless
Keith Urban, Defying Gravity
Lee Ann Womack, Call Me Crazy
And the Grammy goes to: Taylor Swift. Get used to those words tonight. Better go trolling for more photos.
7:28 p.m. CBS, easily the most shameless when it comes to trotting out properties as presenters/announcers, has Simon Baker of “The Mentalist” come out in his Rockefeller glasses to introduce Beyonce Knowles. Can’t wait for David Caruso to put on his sunglasses and announce, “It’s the record of the year — the homicide record!”
7:32 p.m. Ah, Beyonce’s doing the cover version of 2009 — she did it, Britney Spears did it, Michael Buble did it. Well, not really. But Alanis gets renewed activity on her “You Oughta Know” account.
7:40 p.m. Seal announces that Leonard Cohen received a lifetime achievement award, but no “Famous Blue Raincoat” for you tonight. Instead, we get Pink.
Nice Cirque du Soleil routine, but I want to know how she’s maintaining her lung control while spinning in a scarf. Wet. Without being electrocuted.
7:45 p.m. Miranda Lambert and Keith Urban announce that Loretta Lynn won a lifetime achievement award, but no “Van Lear Rose” for you tonight. (Pattern?) And announce Best New Artist:
BEST NEW ARTIST
The Ting Tings
Zac Brown Band
And the Grammy goes to… Zac Brown Band. Guess MGMT should start working on their twang.
7:54 p.m. Miley Cyrus, y’alling so much she might hurt herself, introduces the Black-Eyed Peas, featuring will.i.am in “Phantom of the Opera” face armor. Damn you, Andrew Lloyd Webber!
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