StaticBlog’s Live Coverage of the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards

7:04 p.m. Welcome to the StaticBlog live coverage of the Grammys, in which LL Cool J kicks things off with a tribute to Aretha Franklin featuring five singers who, despite undeniable talent, are in no way capable of carrying out her reign if the Queen of Soul were no longer able to fulfill her governing duties. Christina Aguilera oversang and melisma’d to such a degree I thought she was singing in Esperanto.

7:06 p.m. On the other hand, Florence Welch can hold her scepter. Damn. Her “Think” caused a rethink. Limey’s got Northern Soul.

7:09 p.m. You see, what Florence and Yolanda Adams prove is soul does not mean strangling every single syllable on its way out of your mouth, Xtina. Jeez. Martina McBride’s doing okay, but she’d be doing a lot better if she’d kick the woman standing to her left.

7:14 p.m. Aretha’s lost weight, looks healthy. Good — the line of succession’s a little wobbly.

7:19 p.m. So they brought the pretenders to the throne back out for …

Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals
“Glee” cast – “Don’t Stop Believin’ (Regionals Version)”
Maroon 5 – “Misery
Paramore – “The Only Exception”
Sade – “Babyfather”
Train – “Hey, Soul Sister (Live)”

And the winner is Train? It’s telling how weak the field was when Sade, which is only nominally a group, was part of the list. At least it wasn’t the karaoke team.

7:26 p.m. So “Born This Way” sounds a little too much like “Express Yourself.” I think Germanotta owes Ciccone some Lira. Sure, people have been calling Gaga the new Madonna for the past two years, but “Born This Way” is a little too on the nose, and the only thing missing from this Blonde Ambition-like performance was the cone bra.

7:33 p.m. Oklahoma’s Blake Shelton nicely introduces his fiance, Miranda Lambert, singing “The House That Built Me.” I’m liking the understated arrangement — definitely goes against Grammy style. Well done.

7:38 p.m. Lenny Kravitz, dressed as M’shell Ndegeocello, introduces Muse. How many times can you borrow the beat from “Rock and Roll Part 1″ without being arrested in Thailand?

7:50 p.m. Seacrest introduces BoB, Janelle Monae and Bruno Mars. I’m not sure why, but we’re nearly an hour into this mug and we have given out one award. Nice monocle, BoB. We better get more than just cooing out of Janelle. About 80 percent of the talent is concentrated under the pompadour — scratch that, the female pompadour.

7:55 p.m. Well, having said that, Mars was pretty damn good.

7:56 p.m. Oh yes — “Cold War.” Great performance, but I hate Grammy mosh pits. Looks more like the floor of the NYSE than a Descendants gig.

7:58 p.m. Zac Brown and Dierks Bentley announce Best Female Country Vocal, and it deservedly goes to…

Miranda Lambert. Kind of a bum year in this category. She beat another Oklahoman, Carrie Underwood, who was equally deserving, but Jewel? LeAnn Rimes covering John Anderson’s “Swingin’”? Gretchen Wilson? What happened here?

8:08 p.m. Eva Longoria is saying things. And then it’s all downhill from there. Justin Bieber, unplugged “Baby.” Literally.

8:10 p.m. Then, after a ninja drumline intro, Beebs comes back with Jaden Smith and performs “Never Say Never.” Somewhere, Shawn Cassidy is at home ogling the 15-minute stopwatch he keeps handy for such occasions.

8:13 p.m. Paulie Perrette, who at 41 does an awesome imitation of a 28-year-old — and I mean that sincerely — takes the stage with Paramore to announce Best Rock Album, which is a strange award this year, because I guess it means artists over 40 and Muse. And the winner is…