It cannot possibly be dumber than the original series: Warner Bros. has optioned “Gilligan’s Island” for a 2011 release. While there is no firm cast set in place, we at StaticBlog and Nerdage are taking it upon ourselves to select appropriate players for this thing before professionals have a chance to screw it up. And while it’s taken all we can muster to keep from simply filling these roles with the cast of “Lost” (Terry O’Quinn as a monomaniacal Skipper, Michael Emerson as a psychotic Gilligan, Evangeline Lilly in sequins and a feather boa — wait, we’re doing it anyway) here are our ideas. Warners, please make the checks out to Price and Lang.
Nerdage: Steve Carell. He does goofy incompetence with the best of ‘em.
StaticBlog: I’m going to go with Jay Baruchel, because he’s proved he can play frenetic goofballs time and again and looks like he could take a coconut to the head.
THE SKIPPER TOO
Nerdage: A lovable captain who nonetheless is terrible at piloting a boat? How about Andy Richter? He may have some time on his hands.
StaticBlog: Jeff Garlin, because he has only one volume setting — loud — and you need someone who can bellow “Gilligan!” and have the sound carry to the other end of the lagoon.
Nerdage: This is a different take than Jim Backus, but a versatile performer who could bring a comedic touch to the role is Michael Keaton. Also, he was originally considered for “Lost” when Jack was going to be a character who died early on — so there’s an island connection.
StaticBlog: Obviously, our collective notions of tycoonery have changed in 46 years. I pick Alec Baldwin, because he does powerful and snide like nobody’s business.
AND HIS WIFE
Nerdage: Teri Hatcher. She has comedic chops, she can pull slapstick, and she’s already dated Superman, so she can probably handle being married to Batman.
StaticBlog: Kim Cattrall, because she needs to have the uppity air of the super-rich and be kind of a strumpet.
THE MOVIE STAR
Nerdage: For a red-headed movie star, I vote Isla Fisher.
StaticBlog: Apparently, Sherwood Schwartz wants Beyonce to do it, but as Jeff Labrecque of EW.com noted, Christina Hendricks of “Mad Men” is the only reasonable choice. She’s got the curves of a mid-century bombshell and could probably convince just about anyone on the island to spend hours on the bamboo exercise bike that powers her hair dryer.
Nerdage: There’s no way he would do it, but doesn’t Denzel Washington have a great air of intelligence? And I imagine he could get them off the island and home in the two hours allotted for the film.
StaticBlog: Of course, there’s always the TV Denzel, Dennis Haysbert. He’s solid, projects intelligence, speaks with authority. Don’t know if he can do a bad Cary Grant impersonation like Russell Johnson did, but if he can play the president and sell insurance, he can probably get that damn radio to work.
AND MARY ANN
Nerdage: StaticBlog suggested I would submit my go-to casting choice, Jessica Alba, for this one. And while I have no problem with that, my Mary Ann choice is actually Alexis Bledel. I think she could play down-home sweet with ease.
StaticBlog: Although as an Oscar nominee she’s slightly overqualified, Anna Kendrick from “Up in the Air.” After all, she’s done the “Twilight” series — she can dumb down as needed. And she would have to really dumb down.
- Matt Price and George Lang