20-40-60 Etiquette: Can we bring the kids? Should we leave them at home?

YOU ASK! WE ANSWER! YOU DECIDE!

QUESTION: We got married recently during an hour-long mass at a destination wedding. We intentionally excluded children’s names from the invitations, as we wanted an adults-only wedding. Some families penciled in their children’s names on the response card and others asked us to arrange childcare. We were left in the uncomfortable position of telling them that children weren’t invited.

We are sympathetic that finding someone to watch children during a weekend away from home is expensive and not an option for everyone. But is it OK to write in names of extra guests when those names aren’t on a wedding invitation? Do people really think that a wedding invitation addressed to adults also mean bring your children? Is arranging childcare the responsibility of the bride and groom?

One family brought a nanny and came to the wedding, which seemed like one good alternative. In the end, we compromised by letting kids come to the reception but not to the mass.

CALLIE’S ANSWER:  The individual’s names who are on the invitation are the ones invited to the wedding. It is considered impolite to add names when they were not intended to be invited. This includes children and “and guest.”

When the invitation says “and family”,  then one may bring the family. Make other arrangements; don’t come, but send a gift, or bring a babysitter and the kids, or leave the kids at home with a babysitter.

The kids are not the bride and groom’s responsibility. They’re your kids.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER:  I think the couple gets to decide who comes to their wedding and aren’t required to provide childcare, although that’s a nice gesture if it works. At some weddings, children are welcome to be involved in the festivities, and at others, the weddings are not equipped to handle their exuberance, like in this case — an hour long mass at a vacation resort.

As a mom, I know it’s difficult and expensive to find and pay for childcare, especially for an event out of town, and I’d be sad to miss such an event. However, if the wedding isn’t for kids, I wouldn’t try to make it so. I wouldn’t want to cause any extra stress for the couple on their special day by saying my children were coming anyway. The compromise reached sounds like it was fair — and very gracious on the wedding couple’s part — but I believe that it’s too bad the guests put them in the position of having to reassert their initial decision not to include children.