Should I cancel the party? 20-40-60 answers!

YOU ASK! WE ANSWER! YOU DECIDE!

QUESTION: Dear 20-40-60….I cannot wait to have this answered in the paper. This is real life! I  am planning a big birthday party for my husband.  He is going to be 75 this week. His father is 98 and in very poor health and has taken a downturn and might die in the next few days.

If so, then the funeral and the birthday party could be in the same week.

Should we go ahead and cancel the party? I am not sure what I should do.

CALLIE’S ANSWER: Whoa! That is tricky! I would have the party, the more people who are around him to support, the better. Both the funeral and the birthday should be a celebration of great lives.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: First of all, I am so sorry you’re in this situation. Although any loved one’s death is sad, both of these events  —  a 75^th birthday and an impending funeral for a 98-year-old  — are ways we celebrate long lives well lived, with good memories from friends and family members at both.

Since your father-in-law’s death wouldn’t be sudden or unexpected, I don’t think there’s a clear-cut answer to what you should do, nor is there a proper etiquette rule. You don’t know the timing the future will bring.

If you cancel the event, you’ll have to pay for canceled caterers, music, florists, etc., assuming that you’re planning a big birthday celebration. You can turn the party into a celebration of two lives, a father and a son, and use it as a chance to connect with dear friends who knew one or the other both. Of course, if your father-in-law dies, you shouldn’t set the funeral on the same day as the party.

On the other hand, everyone would understand if you canceled the party, and your husband might want more time to spend with his father in his last moments. Although it’s always difficult to coordinate a date, perhaps you could work out a deal with everyone to postpone the party to a specific time in the future.