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Pictures: What if Kate Upton and Blake Griffin had a baby?

by Richard Hall Modified: June 27, 2013 at 9:40 am •  Published: June 27, 2013

Less than a week ago news broke that supermodel extraordinaire Kate Upton and former Sooners standout/current Clippers jumpman Blake Griffin might be an item. The response from guys everywhere was basically this:

The response from women everywhere was basically this:

And that’s because Upton is a good-looking gal who seems to have a fun personality. And Griffin does awesome things like slam dunk over Kias.

One thing on everyone’s mind was: What would their kids look like?!

So let’s pretend this does happen. I imagine it would go down a little something like this.

"Griff here. Uh huh. Wait. What?! Yo, baby baby baby, I have to let this sink in. Let me call you back after I dunk 54 times on these fools."
"Griff here. Uh huh. Wait. What?! Yo, baby baby baby, I have to let this sink in. Let me call you back after I dunk 54 times on these fools."
"Ah, man. What am I going to do?! I'm too young to be a father! And I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog!"
"Ah, man. What am I going to do?! I'm too young to be a father! And I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog!"
"Woah, hold up, Griff. Calm down some. Don't freak out."
"Woah, hold up, Griff. Calm down some. Don't freak out."
"What am I buggin' for? I make MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. I got this!"
"What am I buggin' for? I make MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. I got this!"
"I'M GONNA BE A DAD! AND KATE UPTON IS THE MOTHER! You jelly, Internet?"
"I'M GONNA BE A DAD! AND KATE UPTON IS THE MOTHER! You jelly, Internet?"

Nine months pass and baby Griffton (or Blakate, or Upffin) is born. Here’s what a Team Upffin starting five (plus a benchwarmer!) might look like:

 


6. The benchwarmer

Ah, man. That head. Look at it! It has mum’s head and dad’s cheekbones. She looks like an alien but, whatever, she’ll probably be able to dunk over semis before she has her sixth birthday.

 


5. The center

He’s days old but already looks intimidating. Look at that gaze — it’s like he’s peering into my soul and knows every fear I have. And he kind of has a grimace going on. This guy isn’t to be trusted, and he’d be more likely to give a hard foul than to let you drive all over him.

 


4. The power forward

She takes after dear old dad and likes to embarrass other players in the paint. But, she also takes after mommy dearest with her eyes. They lull you into a false sense of comfort and security. Then BAM! Welcome to Dunkville, U.S.A.

 


3. The small forward

He’s goofy looking, so he’s a small forward. What he lacks in cuteness he makes up for in intensity. His favorite player is Kevin Durant and hopes to one day sign with Roc Nation.

 


2. The shooting guard

She’s small but tough, and can sink 3s like it’s no one’s business. She models her play after Ray Allen: Silent but deadly. She wears her favorite knit cap during every practice the same way some NBA stars wear the same socks at every game.

 


1. The point guard

This rosy-cheeked thumbsucker has floor general written all over him. He gets flack from teammates when pictures of his dad wearing a dress and a wig are discovered in The Lost Ogle’s archives, but he brushes his shoulders off. He’s already studying Gary Payton’s moves and trash-talking, and hopes to one day have an NBA Finals series like the Sonics did against the Bulls in 1996. Except he plans to win with help from a zombified Doc Rivers.

 


 

Alright. That’s that. Let’s hope, if Upton and Griffin do procreate, that their offspring looks better than these images suggest.


by Richard Hall
Newsroom Developer
Richard Hall is an award-winning newsroom developer, editor and blogger for NewsOK. He was born in Austin, Texas, spent his childhood in southern California and has lived in Norman since 1999. He graduated from the University of Oklahoma in 2008.
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