Despite a good premise, film misses the big screen
Bad director leads film straight to DVD

How do you make a direct-to-DVD movie these days? Take a talented cast, including Michelle Pfeiffer, Tracey Ullman, Paul Rudd, Jon Lovitz, Fred Willard, and even a child actor (Saoirse Ronin) who was really good (so good she was nominated for a Golden Globe for her later role in the film "Atonement”). Throw in a writer and director with an uneven track record — in this case Amy Heckerling, whose best work includes "Fast Times At Ridgemont High” and "Clueless” and worst work includes "Look Who's Talking” and "Look Who's Talking Too.” Switch producers multiple times, and you begin to understand that something went awry.

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Of course, this talented cast did not intend to produce a movie that went straight to DVD. Heckerling's "I Could Never Be Your Woman” was listed in this newspaper with three different theatrical release dates spanning fall of 2006 through winter of 2007. Alas, it never saw the light of a theater projector.

The movie has a good premise. The still stunningly beautiful Pfeiffer plays 40-something divorced mom and television show writer Rosie. She has a circus to oversee that includes a quirky daughter (Ronin) with a crush on a boy who doesn't know she exists. At work, she's trying to placate Brianna (Stacey Dash) the egotistical star of her television show "You Go Girl,” which seems to be a cross between "Saved by the Bell” and "Beverly Hills 90210.”

It would seem to be that the arrival of Paul Rudd as Adam, the much younger love interest for Rosie, would spark a great romantic comedy. Rudd's Adam brings all his improvisational skills to the set, playing the new walk-on rising star of "You Go Girl” and he and Rosie are instantly attracted to each other, despite the age difference.

Let's start with the horribly graphic introduction and the appearance of Tracey Ullman as Mother Nature. I can't explain either of these, but trust me, they're stupid and disturbing.

Then you have Jon Lovitz as Rosie's ex-husband, Nathan. Sure, he's funny, but really? Really?

Granted, as we learn through the director's commentary, Lovitz was a last-minute replacement who stepped in when somebody unexpectedly stepped out. But let's get real here, a guy like Lovitz is probably not going to get a girl like Pfeiffer, ever.

Next problem, Heckerling's uneven script. A good deal of it involves studio intrigue. However, it comes off as a junior high adaptation of Robert Altman's "The Player.” Heckerling seems to want to blame everybody in her DVD commentary.

But, as she continues her bitter diatribe, one realizes that Heckerling is the reason "I Could Never Be Your Woman” went straight to DVD.

Every bizarre interruption in the story, every unexpected bitter and/or preachy moment, is a reflection of Heckerling's profound need of a good therapist. This woman is angry. Her anger ruined what could and should have been a fun romantic comedy.

Want to create a great movie? Reassemble this great cast and make Heckerling stay home. I wonder what M. Night Shyamalan could do with this.

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