Baseball's the new NFL (No Fun League)

By Berry Tramel

Published: May 16, 2008

The Nationals' Elijah Dukes, feeling his Washingtons needed an emotional boost in the third inning, began rhythmic clapping in the dugout, and his teammates followed suit.

In the Class A Midwest League, some Clinton LumberKing decided to bunt with a 6-0 lead in the sixth inning of a game against Peoria.

All three high crimes occurred in recent days. The high court of baseball has charged each with violating the game's unwritten rules, all of which can be boiled down to this.

No fun allowed. Whatever you do, don't have a good time on the diamond. There's no joy in Mudville and there's no joy in any burg that houses baseball.

Yankee pitching icon Goose Gossage blasted Chamberlain.

The Metropolitans' Nelson Figueroa ripped the Nationals, saying they acted like a bunch of softball girls, which is the baseball equivalent of saying your mother wears combat boots.

Peoria manager Ryne Sandberg — yes, that Ryne Sandberg — accosted Clinton manager Mike Micucci after the treacherous bunt, inciting both benches to clear, and received a three-game suspension.

Where have you gone, Roy Campanella? Campy once said, "You got to have a lot of little boy in you to play this game.”

But little boys don't act like monastery monks. To pass muster in baseball, apparently you've got to be an iceman. A stoic. To meet the baseball standard, you've got to play with all the passion of celery.

In the clubhouse, act as goofy and juvenile as you wish, as the White Sox and their infamous blowup doll proved. Act like a 12-year-old there and that's baseball.

Act like a 12-year-old on the ballfield? Heresy. As sacrilegious as turning a squirrel loose in the Vatican.

Figueroa, that mighty pitcher with a 9-20 record in 83 career games, said the Nationals "were cheerleading in the dugout like a bunch of softball girls. I'm a professional ... I take huge offense to that.”

Figueroa is a little less professional these days; the Mets sent him down to the minors after that game.

And here's how screwed up baseball is. Dukes pled guilty to Figueroa's charge. "Kind of softballish,” Dukes admitted.

To which I say, thank you Nats. Baseball could stand to be a little more softballish. Baseball could use a little more spirit, a little more spark.

This was a sport that once was played by men who rode horse-drawn wagons to games, singing all the way. Now it's played by self-aware androids who might posture at the plate when they hit a home run but have all the joy of Mister Spock.

This sport needs a few more players who go Brett Favre on us and actually celebrate their successes.

Instead, some guy named Goose gets all bothered because Chamberlain showed emotion over a strikeout, a couple of days after Dellucci homered off Chamberlain.

"There's no place for it in the game,” Gossage said. "I'm old school, I'm sorry. I didn't see (Dellucci) celebrating when he hit the home run.”

Of course we didn't see it. Celebrating isn't allowed.

Don't smile. Don't laugh. Don't run around the bases in glee. Don't bunt without permission of the opposing manager. Don't clap. Don't shout.

And whatever you do, don't have fun.

Toolbar sponsored by: David Stanley Ford

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