Behavioral Addictions

That hole was just one of many that Mary sought to fill with relationships.

“I had a sex and love addiction,” Mary says.

She was in and out of marriages and relationships with men who treated her badly. And her addictions didn’t stop there. She dealt with other addictions, including spider solitaire.

“It really bothered me a lot and got in my way,” she said. She played it till her hand felt like it would fall off, and couldn’t get anything done at work.

Like many others, Mary found that addictions are not always dependency on a substance such as drugs or alcohol. “Behavioral addictions” can be just as controlling and problematic as substance abuse. And help is available.

Mary says she has an addiction-prone personality which makes her susceptible to addictive behavior.

“I want to escape from reality and just zone out,” she said.

Oklahoma City therapist Beverly Rapp, who Mary went to for treatment, says addictions begin when a person uses something that makes them feel good to escape pain or forget their problems.

The first thing Mary had to do was to stop using relationships or solitaire as an escape. That meant “getting honest with myself,” she said.

“Dealing with life on life’s terms.”

She had to come to grips with her past. Her father was an alcoholic, a “bad boy.” She says she believes that was part of the reason she was attracted to men who treated her badly. “In a sick way, I loved my father,” she said. Whereas men get addicted to sex, Mary says women have more of a tendency to become addicted to the romance.

“We go for the bad boys,” she said.

In many cases, this is because of how the women were treated when they were children. Many of the women she has known dealing with sex and love addiction were molested by their fathers. Some men with sex addictions also were molested as children.

She says people are looking for fulfillment in the place were they have been used. Many men are addicted to internet pornography as a way to satisfy their cravings while avoiding intimacy.