If you spend too much time home sick on the couch, you start to question reality.
I recently spent a few days at home because I was sick.
Whenever I'm home, I get bored after the first, say, two hours.
Once “The Price Is Right” is over, the rest of the day is pretty much downhill.
But when you're in a medicine-induced fog and you're watching daytime television, you start to really question what's happening in the world.
Why does Dora's monkey wear boots but no pants?
Why isn't “Matlock” on in prime time?
How could they possibly cancel “GCB”?
What if I'm secretly on an ambush-style makeover show and I'm just lying here on the couch like a schlub?
Who is Nancy Grace shouting at?
How does one become a bailiff for Judge Judy?
Who did shoot J.R.?
But even with so many questions unanswered, I did learn a lot about myself from daytime TV.
These are the facts I discovered:
I am interested in motorcycles and would like to learn how to repair them. Even though I screamed like a child on a roller coaster when I was going 35 mph as a passenger on my dad's motorcycle, bike repair is the way to go for me. Honestly, I don't think anything mechanical should be my fallback career.
I have a structured settlement and want all my money up front. If only.
Weakling paper plates are ruining my cookouts. Those jerks.
Every woman needs a bra that eliminates back fat. Better yet, we all need two.
Every piece of clothing I own is stained, and my laundry detergent is a lousy excuse for a cleaner. My family should be ashamed to go in public. That's why they're always shaking their heads whenever they see their stained clothing hanging in the closet.
I'm going to need more makeup. Lots of it.
Health insurance is confusing. If only there was someone out there kind enough to explain it to me! And then sell it to me!
I'd like to cover up my gray. Apparently my gray hair is stopping me from doing all kinds of things — playing with my dog, walking on the beach, eating dinner with my family. All these activities are barely out of my grasp, thanks to my stupid hair. (Actually, I don't have gray hair just yet, but now I'm scared of what will happen when I do get it.)
I need another credit card. Or 10. Or 100. The good news is that having credit cards will apparently save me time. Until I have to get a second job to pay for them.
My teeth are quite sensitive. In fact, they don't appreciate your cruel remarks.