Daughter's death no longer burden for Olympic wrestler

By Jenni Carlson

Published: August 20, 2008

Daniel Cormier will be mindful of his daughter today as he begins his quest for Olympic gold.

Then again, he's always thinking of Kaedyn.

The infant died in a car accident five years ago, and ever since, she has been a constant in her daddy's mind. He will always remember her. He will always love her.

But he won't wrestle for her.

Cormier has tried that before.

In the months after Kaedyn's death, the former Oklahoma State standout dedicated everything to her. Preparing for the Olympic trials. Making the U.S. freestyle team. Going to the 2004 Olympics.

He even talked of wrestling with an angel on his shoulder.

"I have to wrestle for Kaedyn,” he thought. "I have to win for Kaedyn.”

Then, he lost.

Cormier finished fourth in Athens, a torturous spot, an Olympic purgatory. He let an overtime lead slip in the bronze-medal match.

Worse, he let down his angel.

"From the outside looking in ... you'd say, ‘It was an accomplishment. Fourteen months from when his daughter passed, he was in the Olympic bronze-medal match,'” Cormier said. "But for me, I wanted to win for her, so when I didn't, it felt like I let her down.”

He sighed.

"I can't carry that weight. It's too much. It's just too much.”

Now, he carries the memory, not the burden.

On the day he chases Olympic gold again in the 96 kilogram weight class, Cormier is no longer wrestling for Kaedyn.

He isn't wrestling for anyone. Not his mother who raised four kids. Not his wife who supported him. Not his coaches who molded him.

"Now,” Cormier said before leaving for Beijing, "I wrestle for me.”

Don't get the wrong idea. Cormier isn't some self-centered jerk.

He's the opposite, really.

Cormier has always wanted to win for everyone but himself.

There were times that he'd go overseas for a competition that didn't even register on the sports radar in Oklahoma, come home without a medal and feel like people were looking down on him.

In his mind, he'd let down his country, his family and his friends.

Finishing fourth at the Olympics, then, was almost too much to bear.

"It wasn't just that I lost,” he said. "It was the way I lost.”

Cormier has heard the same edicts time and again from longtime coach John Smith. Wrestle smart for the whole match. Stay aggressive to the very end.

Leading Iran's Alireza Heidari 2-0 in overtime, Cormier only needed to close out the final minute.

Wrestle smart, stay aggressive, and the bronze medal was his.

Instead, Heidari scored three points and stunned Cormier.

"To this day, it's still one of the hardest things that I've ever had to go through,” he said. "I knew I was going to keep wrestling, but actually getting up and doing it after what happened in Athens ... ”

His voice trailed off at the memory.

Cormier was not himself after returning from Athens. He would shut down, bottling his emotions and losing his focus, but then, everything would erupt.

He threw punches at teammates during practice.

He brawled with an opponent after a match in Venezuela.

"I had to get some help,” he said.

Even though his wife, his family and his coaches could offer support, Cormier needed more. USA Wrestling put him in touch with a sports psychologist, and bit by bit, Cormier started unloading the burdens he'd been carrying.

He'd endured the loss of several family and friends, including the shooting death of his father when Daniel was only 7.

The one that he struggled with most, though, was Kaedyn.

She was only 3 months old when she was killed while riding in the backseat of a Honda Accord. Just north of Austin, Texas, a tractor-trailer hit the car from behind on Interstate 35.

Kaedyn died instantly.

Part of Cormier died that day, too.

Winning an Olympic medal will not fill that void, but as Cormier now knows, not winning an Olympic medal makes him no less of a man. He'll still be Audrey's son. He'll still be Robin's husband.

He'll still be Kaedyn's daddy, too.

"I wrestle for me because everybody that's important to me, they're going to love and care for me the same regardless of what happens,” he said. "I know that for me, I have to accomplish the goals that I've set.

"I'm excited about the opportunity.”

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