Five factors help fulfill needs, shape healthy attitudes, actions

By Charlotte Lankard Comments 0
Published: November 5, 2009

Good parenting requires attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing, says psychotherapist Dr. David Richo.

After working for more than 20 years with individuals and couples, I have come to believe healthy adult relationships require the same.

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I do not work with people who are mentally ill; that is the job of the psychiatrist.

I work with people who are "stuck.” They are not in a good place but do not know how to make it better.

Often this is because of needs that have gone unmet since childhood. Many people have spent years trying to find the ideal mate, have been in multiple relationships and are unaware they are still trying to get those needs met.

The challenge is to become aware of how these unmet needs can affect us as adults and to understand it is not about finding the ideal mate but learning how to become a more loving and realistic adult.

In that way, you can intentionally love another person and recognize what being loved in return looks like.

→Attention from a significant person leads to self-respect. Being noticed means you are taken seriously and listened to. You know you matter.

→Acceptance means you are received with respect for the way you feel, the choices you make and the personal traits with which you were born. A respectful adult desires to know you rather than try to change you.

→Appreciation can come as a word of praise, a pat on the shoulder, a thank-you for something you did or a loving look when you are just being yourself.

→Affection is a primary need for everyone and is about physical and emotional closeness. Affection comes when we genuinely like someone and enjoy being near them. It is the opposite of abandoning and distancing.

→Allowing means it is safe to be who you are and have the freedom to express your deepest needs and wishes without fear of losing the other person’s love. It means we can be different.

To love and to be loved are good things, but they do not happen without thought to our attitudes and actions.

Charlotte Lankard, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is in private practice with Baptist Counseling Associates. Her Web site is www.charlottelankard.com.