The economy isn’t in great shape. Ask a homeless guy, or me. As a result of the failing economy, I recently lost a great job. Turns out there isn’t much of a need for Official Wall Street Money Burner any more. Thanks a lot economy!
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Finding full-time employment that doesn’t involve one questioning people if they’d like fries with their order is pretty tough right now.
Because I’m pretty good at gaining employment, I’ve decided to help you with some helpful advice in your journey to become gainfully employed. If you are gainfully employed, hopefully you can read this from the ivory tower you live in.
When filling out a job application, make sure you remember to write legibly.
On more than one occasion I’ve written the information in an ancient Egyptian text involving symbols and pictures. Turns out my name looks like a man pointing at a vase with wings on it. I guess not everyone is as adept in hieroglyphics as I am. Sorry for the confusion, manager at Whataburger.
When going in for a job interview, make sure your resume is accurate.
Turns out a lot of companies check those things. I guess a lot of companies want to make sure you actually have an actual medical degree before giving you scrubs and a huge paycheck. Who knew a Doctorate of Awesomeness from Rad University wasn’t a legitimate degree? Well, aside from me.
Make sure your personal references on your resume are accurate as well.
When you use celebrity names and put down phones numbers they’ve given out in movies, it can look suspicious. I had no idea they’d know ‘555' wasn’t the beginning of every phone number ever.
Once you’re in the interview, make sure to say something genuinely nice.
When I get nervous I say things I think are nice but others think are “mean.” I was being interviewed for a job once and noticed a picture of the interviewer’s child on their desk. I said, “You must be proud your son is so rotund. It must be a comfort to know we live in a country where people get paid for competitive eating.” That’s the quickest interview I’ve ever been in.
Once you do get hired, make sure to become friends with your co-workers.
This will not only make working at a job easier, but it will also avoid your being added to the “revenge list” everyone is convinced crazy Pete in accounts receivable is keeping. When he does exact his revenge, he’ll pass you by because you were nice to him.
If you can’t find a job like this, go ahead and look into becoming self-employed. Hey, lawns aren’t going to mow themselves.
As far as my employment future? I’m still holding out hope for professional Saved By The Bell watcher. Until that time you can find me holding a sign at NW Expressway and Rockwell.
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