Dear Dave, I'm trying to help my son and daughter-in-law by encouraging them to get out of debt and live on a budget. It hasn't been a problem to give them money when they've asked in the past, but I'm afraid they're still in a mess. How can I make sure I'm doing the right thing?
Dear Margaret, The first thing you need to do is sit down and have a serious, loving talk with them. If they've asked for money before, and it has become something of a trend, you have a right to know more about their circumstances.
In addition, they need to understand that opening up and being honest about their situation and behavior is a requirement for them to receive more of your help.
I know you guys love each other, but be prepared for them to get defensive. Lots of times people are embarrassed to talk about their mistakes, no matter how nicely you approach things. They may decide not to answer any questions and say that it's none of your business. That's fine, too. Just make sure they understand Mom won't open her checkbook unless they open up about their finances.
This isn't about you being nosy or controlling. It's about making sure you're not giving a drunk a drink and further enabling any misbehavior. Then, if they're willing to talk, and as a result, you feel they truly need help, make sure any money you give them is a gift, not a loan.
I know it hurts to see them go through rough times, Margaret. But if they're acting irresponsibly with money, they need to suffer the consequences of their actions.
That, along with your love and advice, can help them turn the corner and win with money.
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