Helping children adjust

By Paula Burkes

Published: April 28, 2008

Children of divorce need a safe place to talk about their feelings and fully grasp their parents' breakup, experts say.

Divorcing parents should do whatever it takes to remain civil with each other and help their children feel secure and loved, said Barbara Butner, executive director of Calm Waters divorce support group in Oklahoma City. Parents should be honest with their children and make as few changes as possible, she said.

"One boy came here, talking about his daddy having a vacation apartment,” Butner said. "He hadn't yet heard his parents were getting divorced.”

Among other things, children need assurance of where they're going to live. "One of the worst things you can do is say to your child, perhaps when they're misbehaving, ‘I'm going to send you to live with your daddy — or your mother.'”

Children need to accept their parents' breakup so they have a healthy closure for their pain, Butner said. Warning signs that children need help may include sleeplessness, bed-wetting, tantrums, falling grades or becoming reclusive.

The biggest mistake divorcing parents make is getting involved with someone else too soon, said Stephen Arterburn, California marriage expert and author of books including "Healing Is a Choice” and "The Midlife Manual for Men.”

"Within a year is way too soon,” Arterburn said. "It's confusing for children because they think you have no regard for your ex-spouse.” Dating too quickly also can give children false hope that the new person will make them a normal family again and fix their pain, he said.

Arterburn recommends divorced parents wait two years to date and then introduce only potential long-term mates to their children. "Parents should help their kids adjust to life split apart before they ask them to adjust to another person,” he said.

•Don't discuss affairs, child support or other adult issues with children.

•Don't tell your children you and your spouse don't love each other anymore. Children may deduce you one day may stop loving them. Instead, say you and your spouse can't live together.

•Don't put pressure on your children. For example, don't tell your son, "Now you're the man of the house.”

•Don't use your child as the middleman to deliver messages to the other parent.

•Don't allow your child to have false hope that you'll reconcile with your spouse.

•Be present with your spouse when you tell your children you have decided to divorce.

•Assure them the divorce is not their fault.

•Reassure them they're loved by both parents.

•Explain to them that you're still a family, even though their parents are not together.

•Let your children display as many pictures as they wish of their other parent in their room.

•Inform their teachers of the pending divorce.

•Have fun with your children and be open to hearing and acknowledging their feelings.

•Get help for you and your children. Contact Calm Waters at 841-4800 or www.calmwaters.org, or check with churches for divorce support groups.

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