Horoscopes

Greg Elwell

Published: October 15, 2008

Libra – September 23 – October 23 – Sure, it sounds scary to tell people that you will bathe in the blood of your enemies, but have you ever tried it? Honestly, I think you'd be better off just killing your enemies and bathing with warm water and soap.

Scorpio – October 24 – November 22 – Oh, what, now you want to know the future? Because I thought you got your future from that fortune cookie I saw you eating! There are plenty of other fish in the sea that need predictions, you double-timing dog!

Sagittarius – November 23 – December 21 – The time you'll spend locked in a small-town jail cell for a crime you didn't commit would be unbearable, except that the guy in the cell next to you is wearing a funny T-shirt. That'll brighten your day.

Capricorn – December 22 – January 20 – No one said learning the banjo would be easy for you. Then again, no one said it would be hard. Come to think of it, does anybody ever tell you anything? Are you sure you aren't a ghost?

Aquarius – January 21 – February 18 – Your life will suddenly become a lot more like C.S.I. when your husband installs incredibly dim lighting in your house and you discover everything is covered in blood and semen.

Pisces – February 19 – March 20 – Picking up women as an astrological sign is hard. It's not that they don't believe in horoscopes, it's that nobody wants to come to my pad in the airless, cold void of space.

Aries – March 21 – April 20 – The more things change, the more you should be ashamed. That money was for the school raffle! We were going to buy a sno-cone machine!

Taurus – April 21 – May 21 – You will face a fierce and unbeatable foe that will test your every wit and resource. In the end, though, you're going to have to eat all of those lima beans before you can leave the table.

Gemini – May 22 – June 23 – Be prepared for a weird "Gift of the Magi" moment involving a loved one, a DVD player and 200 gallons of creamy peanut butter. You'll never eat a sandwich or watch "Titanic" the same way again.

Cancer – June 24 – July 22 – Do not dwell on difference with a loved one. Try a compromise. Or maybe try to eat more fiber. You'd be surprised how closely related they are.

Leo – July 23 – August 23 – You will feel a slight chill in the air after an alien race visiting our solar system turns off the Sun in order to save on heating bills.

Virgo – August 24 – September 22 – While they are clearly uncouth and even slightly out of line, the chicken at Buffalo Wild Wings is nowhere near wild. Arguing this to the manager will not pay dividends, however.

Your thoughts!