Horoscopes

Greg Elwell

Published: October 29, 2008

Aries – March 21 – April 20 – After a trip to the future, a wild-eyed old man will tell you that your future children are in trouble. Politely explain that you're name is not Marty and that he must be thinking of somebody else.

Taurus – April 21 – May 21 – You will spend three months in the brig after your commanding officer turns you in for giving him a purple nurple. Still, it was funny, right?

Gemini – May 22 – June 23 – If you're looking for love, just open your eyes to what's right in front of you. The fact that your eyes are slightly crossed shouldn't have too much bearing on what you see.

Cancer – June 24 – July 22 – Nicknames can tell you a lot about people. Speedy might be fast. Fish might like to swim. Finding out what Hacksaw, your new cellmate, is up to might be a little less pleasant.

Leo – July 23 – August 23 – I'm not saying it's time to have a baby, I'm just saying that you've gone three months without a period and you're starting to gain weight. So at least think about it.

Virgo – August 24 – September 22 – While the feat is no less miraculous, some of the effect will be lost when a gifted spider uses the World Wide Web to extol the virtues of "some pig."

Libra – September 23 – October 23 – It's a tough habit to quit, but we're all proud of you. You did this for your kids. For your health. But beware temptation – everybody gets the urge to start bull-fighting again after a few beers.

Scorpio – October 24 – November 22 – Now is the time to question what you're told. Embrace the unknown. Delve into the mysteries of life. In other words, buy some hummus at the grocery store this week and find out what all the fuss is about.

Sagittarius – November 23 – December 21 – Your IQ will be in question when, upon unearthing an ancient refrigerator on an archeological dig, you decide to drink the milk before smelling it.

Capricorn – December 22 – January 20 – No matter how many tears fall, they cannot wash away the harsh, unforgiving truth of seasons passing. A pallor is cast across your face. Hope dies. All the good tomatoes are gone until next summer.

Aquarius – January 21 – February 18 – Love, money and happiness are yours for the taking this week. All you have to do is get up off the couch and leave the house. Still, no one would blame you for staying put to watch "City Slickers" on TBS one more time.

Pisces – February 19 – March 20 – You will fear you're losing your mind when whalebone butterscotch anchor fancy-dancy gigglepuss arc-welding tambourine Sasquatch tattletale beaver trap.

Your thoughts!