In front of my face

Published: June 3, 2005

Friday, June 3, 2005

In front of my face | Link

1978: I received my first pair of glasses. I believe they were the Charles Nelson Reilly model. The optometrist included a ranchero scarf and a pipe in the deal. My neck grew incredibly strong. Unfortunately, the ranchero scarf hid the rippling musculature. And the pipe brought me nothing but trouble throughout first- and second-grade.

1981: My Charles Nelson Reilly glasses broke during a game of basketball that occurred in a suburban driveway. As usual, I'd been dribbling the ball with my head. Afterward, I wept profusely. My mother took me to the optometrist. I was allowed to choose my own frames. I chose spectacles with teardrop lenses and padded earpieces. While awaiting the completion of my new prescription, I was loaned a pair of horn rims to wear. In 1981, horn rims were the most fashionable spectacles one could own. I quickly gained new friends -- an entire cadre of schoolkids, in fact -- and became the most popular child ever to grace the rooms of any elementary school anywhere.

1987: My voice changed. My mother thought this phenomenon could be combatted via the purchase of a new pair of spectacles. My mother took me to the optometrist. I was allowed to choose my own frames. I believe they were the Clark Kent model. The optometrist forgot to include a cape and super powers in the deal. Unfortunately, the lack of a cape and superpowers brought me nothing but trouble throughout the remainder of 10th grade. My voice remained changed.

1993: I purchased contact lenses. They were more in my eyes than in front of my face, though, so they're not really germane to this particular recollection of life-altering events.

1998: I purchased a pair of horn rims.

2001: I purchased a pair of glasses whose dimensions inspired my wife to dub me "Mr. Little Glasses." I attempted to change my surname to Little Glasses, but was told that that surname was the exclusive intellectual property of one Charles Nelson Reilly. Lacking either a cape or super powers, I could do nothing to legally change my name to "Mr. Little Glasses." Afterward, hiding my face in my ranchero scarf, I wept profusely. -- posted 12:13 a.m.