March Madness is upon us and that means two things. The first is that March Madness brings with it the most competitive college basketball you'll see all year. The second thing March Madness does is turn every office in America into a sports gambling extravaganza. As someone who has limited college basketball knowledge, but extensive gambling debt knowledge, I am going to provide you with some things that everyone needs to know when it comes to the monster that is "The March Madness Office Pool. Hopefully you will learn from my experiences. Of course by "experiences I mean, "mistakes that have me cost me my house, my car and two broken kneecaps. That's right. Two.
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First, make sure that your NCAA office pool has a buy in of no more than $5. That way if you do lose, you're only out $5. I once made the mistake of buying into an office pool that the guy told me cost $500 to join. I thought that seemed a bit high, but I gave him the money anyway. I found out that he wasn't starting an office pool at all, but rather that he had a serious drug problem. I should have known giving $500 to a guy who was wearing pants made out of tin foil was probably not a good idea.
When it comes to taking advice from co-workers about which teams to pick, remember that they are trying to win too, so their advice probably isn't going to benefit you at all. I once was advised by a co-worker to pick the Oklahoma City Blazers to win my March Madness bracket. I did pick the Blazers despite the fact that they weren't in the tournament and they don't play basketball. After that humilition, I had to quit that job. Good luck finding another busboy Waffle House!
When it comes to making your picks, I highly recommend not using a Magic Eight Ball. Despite what you may think, that thing isn't all that reliable. I have used a Magic Eight Ball to make way too many serious life decisions. Aside from losing every office pool I've ever been a part of, I have let that thing dictate whom I date and where I work. That's probably why I'm single and live behind a Golden Corral.
When it comes to figuring out who is your most serious competitor in the office pool, never underestimate anyone. Usually the guy with all the sports knowledge is going to lose. That statement could apply to way more than a March Madness office pool, but I digress. Your best bet, pun intended, is to find out who is the one person in the office you would never suspect of winning anything. As much as it may pain you, go talk to the creepy guy who smells like Old Spice and day- old cheese, who has all the "Battlestar Galactica posters up on his cubicle. Go talk to the woman who has a Jack & Ron butt mug on her desk next to an autographed picture of Orlando Bloom. They are your best allies in winning the all important March Madness office pool. Besides, they would probably like to have a conversation with a human as they probably only talk to their cats.
Joel David
JOEL’S EIGHT GREAT THINGS ABOUT A MARCH MADNESS OFFICE POOL
(Why eight? Because 10 wouldn’t fit and five seemed lazy.)
8. With cockfighting not being legal anymore, you have to squander that child-support money somehow.
7. Betting on college basketball is a good way to engage in some illegal activity at work that can’t get you fired.
6. It’s the one time of the year that you can say to a co-worker that you want to “fill his or her bracket” and not get sexual harassment charges filed against you.
5. Aside from personal e-mail, myspace, online poker, instant messaging, text messaging, office gossiping, extra long lunch hours and calling in sick, an office March Madness pool is a good way to waste company time, too.
4. Betting on basketball is a much safer bet than riding in a car with Eddie Sutton.
3. Betting on basketball is also much safer than taking cheap shots at Eddie Sutton. No one has ever been beaten for making jokes about betting. Yet.
2. This is the one time out of the year you can tell your boss you’re going to beat him and he’ll be none the wiser.
1. You can finally put all of that useless sports knowledge to good use.
