I was standing in the library at the Renk Bible College, where I serve as a missionary and lecturer, and I cried.
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These were not tears of frustration, many of which I have shed in the 10 months I have been here, where language and customs and a whole different approach to time and urgency have challenged me every day.
And they were not tears of loneliness, although I've shed those a number of times, too. I am 7,000 miles from my home of 18 years, and when e-mail fails and I can't be in contact with family and friends, the loneliness sometimes overwhelms me. That feeling is compounded by how most people identify me here, as "khawaja," the "white woman from outside." That's the first word a toddler who lives across the dirt road from me has learned to say, and she greets me with it every day. In some ways, it is cute; but there are days when I regret that she knows me only by my skin color.
And these were not even tears of sorrow; I've long grown past those, which occurred frequently in my first days here in Sudan.
No, these were tears of joy, tears of faith and tears of thankfulness.
I wept because on that day eight years previously, I was ordained a priest in the Episcopal Church. I wept because I have come so far, and my life has changed so much. Yet, I realize how much my life has come full circle in those eight years.
Memories of my ordination day flooded me as I stood there: memories of being unable to sleep the night before, and of my sister-in-law coming to my room at 4:30 in the morning to comfort me; of friends and family coming from all over the country to be with me that day and uphold me in my vows; of slapping high-fives with my brother as I walked back down the aisle at the end of the service; and most of all, of the sense of holiness that pervaded the entire day, the sense that God was with me and that I was doing exactly what God wanted in that moment, in that place.
Now, eight years later, I have that same sense, that same feeling -- that I am doing exactly what God wants, in this moment, in this place.
Eight years ago, I knew that part of my call was to teach. Part was to be a missionary. Part was to return to Africa (where I had served as a Peace Corps volunteer two decades earlier). Part was to serve marginalized people. Part was to work for peace and justice. And part was to tell the story, both God's and that of God's people.
All of which I am doing now, in this place that often feels like the middle of nowhere, where electricity is iffy and water must be filtered and news is slow to trickle in. I am doing all of the things I thought God wanted me to do when God called me to the priesthood.
Oh, there have been days of doubt. I've had people question my call, sometimes because I am a woman, and sometimes because those people and I did not get along.
But somehow, God has redeemed all of those difficulties and brought me to this place, at this time, to help build up a church that has been through tremendous difficulties because of a 21-year civil war. I am teaching students who are starving to get more information so that their faith can be nourished, and so that they, in turn, can nourish others. I live among a people who consider me "other" but who still make me feel welcome. I am supported by family and friends, and by strangers who believe that what I am doing is good and deserves their support.
All of those thoughts flooded me the other day. Which is why I stood among the books and cried. And I said, "Thank you, Lord, for what you have done and are doing in my life."
That's how I celebrated my ordination anniversary -- with tears of joy and faith and thankfulness.
The Rev. Lauren R. Stanley is an appointed missionary serving in the Diocese of Renk in the Episcopal Church of Sudan. "Keeping the Faith" invites contributions by Oklahoma ministers and religious leaders. To be considered, e-mail columns of about 500 words to chinton@oklahoman.com or mail them to Religion News, The Oklahoman, P.O. Box 25125, Oklahoma City, OK 73125.
Editor's note: The Rev. Lauren R. Stanley will visit Oklahoma City on July 9 as guest speaker at Episcopal Church of the Redeemer, 13112 N Rockwell, and St. Paul's Episcopal Church, 127 N Robinson.
