MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
DEAR MELBA: Some people believe Santa Claus is really a woman. I think Santa is a man. Also, he's fat and jolly. I dare anyone to describe any woman as “fat and jolly” to her face and expect to survive. If Santa were a woman, and you referred to her this way, you wouldn't even find coal in your stocking.
You'll find Santa at the shopping mall. Now, I know that others have used the mall as an example of proof that Santa is a woman.
But, you see both men and women at the mall. And let me ask you this, what does Santa do at the mall? He sits. Do you ever see women sitting down at the mall? No! Women are always running around trying to finish their Christmas shopping.
Santa walks around on rooftops. I don't know about you, but I don't think I have ever seen a woman up on a roof. The fact that Santa is perfectly comfortable walking around on slippery, angled housetops is further proof that he is a “he.”
Santa likes milk and cookies. If Santa were a woman, that would change to something with chocolate. Or, if she were still sensitive about the whole “fat and jolly” thing, she might prefer a carrot stick and a glass of water. Santa uses the chimney. No woman would ever think about crawling into a dirty, smelly chimney. Instead, a woman would carry a spare set of keys for every house. Of course, this would never work, because she wouldn't be able to find them in her purse.
Santa has reindeer. Reindeer are totally for guys. They're big, hairy, smelly and have huge antlers. A woman would prefer to be driven around in a limousine.
And, that's why I'm sure Santa is a man.
— Carol, of North Carolina
DEAR MELBA: Merry Christmas. Now must be the time to start plans for 2014. Since next Tuesday will be New Year's Eve, let's plan a New Year's Eve watch party. A good start would be Sombrero Dip.