Men confused by bikini babes, golden tickets

By Jackie Papandrew Published: January 29, 2009
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It’s far too early in the year to be talking about bikinis. But sadly, a woman auditioning this month on the Season 8 premiere of the TV juggernaut "American Idol” showed up wearing nothing but a bikini. Even more sadly, despite the fact that Bikini Girl’s singing wasn’t much better than mine — and I have the musical ability of a duck — she got a golden ticket to Hollywood. It may not surprise you to know she made it through based on the votes of the two male judges.

This raises a few questions in my mind. First, why on Earth are we still watching "American Idol” after eight years? Second, why did it take eight years for someone to think of auditioning for the show in nothing but a bikini? This is a sure sign our country is on a downward slide. Whatever happened to American ingenuity? This should have happened no later than Season 2.

And my final question is this: Are there any men out there who can think straight in the presence of a hot body in a bikini?

That last question is purely rhetorical, of course, as I already know the answer. I only have to look within my own household for an example. See, when we went to the beach last summer, my husband wore a pair of very dark sunglasses. This is a classic man trick developed way back when people lived in caves and wore animal skins. Some of the more attractive cave women wore well-tailored fur bikinis — just like Raquel Welch in that highly realistic movie "One Million Years B.C.” — and the cavemen were forced to invent devious methods of leering at them. Otherwise, the poor men might get whacked with mastodon bones by their cave wives and girlfriends.

Fortunately, the cavemen were hairy enough to simply pull part of their eyebrows down and peer out surreptitiously at the B.C. babes.

Today’s men can’t always count on excessive eyebrow hair to solve the problem (although there are exceptions), so they invented sunglasses.