Money Saving Tips For America

Joel David

Published: October 15, 2008

Anyone who knows me outside of reading this column every other week, knows I’m financially astute. This is only if you consider financially astute to mean I’ve got the financial wherewithal of someone who’d be better off burning his money, since I seem to spend my money on things one either never needs or holds no real long-term value. Don’t believe me? Let’s just say I’ve been known to purchase every episode of “Speed Racer” on DVD before paying for a much-needed medical procedure. Turns out “Speed Racer” is not as entertaining when you’re writhing in pain because there’s a knife in your face and you just spent all your money on DVD’s instead of going to the ER. Small price to pay. Go Speed Racer! Go!

The country is facing some real financial problems right now. Problems even someone as inept with money issues as I am can recognize. My incredible observational skills coupled with my wry sense of humor have allowed me to come up with some ways America can pull itself up by its bootstraps. Perhaps these tips will make their way to someone of importance. I don’t need any credit. The knowledge that I’ve helped my country is payment enough. Again with the money mistakes.

A lot of convenience stores have a give-a-penny, take-a-penny tray. The United States should take a tip from 7-11 and set trays up at locations all across the world, only it would be the give-a-billion dollars, take-a-billion dollar tray. Sure, we’ve got loads of debt, but a lot of countries owe us money too. I’m looking at you, Sri Lanka.

If countries don’t start paying us back, we simply withhold certain American things from their culture. It’s easy to deny a country food, but when we start withholding episodes of “Baywatch” or “Perfect Strangers,” I bet those countries pay up pretty quick. We don’t have to stop at television either. America exports a lot of sub-par products too. No more glittery blue jeans or Color Me Badd albums for you, Myanmar. Pay up. It’s a fail safe tactic.

We should bet all the country’s money at the racetrack. You might think that’s a bad idea, but right now a horse race bet seems way more steady than the stock market. I’d rather put all my money on Uncle Fester’s Lament to win in the fourth than to invest in banks right now.

America needs to start making crafts and sell them at local flea markets. I know when my uncle Leonard lost all his money at the racetrack, my aunt Iris had to start making crafts just to pay the mortgage. Am I suggesting we pin all of America’s financial hopes on heavily shellaced driftwood clocks with pictures of wolves and tigers on them? Yes. Yes I am. It worked for my aunt. It can work for America.

I suggest America stands at a busy intersection holding a cardboard sign. If a crazy man wearing dirty clothes can make money this way, I’m sure the greatest country in the world can too. The sign could read “War Vet. Best Country Ever. Hungry. Anything Will Help. God Bless. Also, Need Diapers.” I’m not sure why America would need diapers, but it seems to garner money for 60-year-old bums, so it can’t hurt.

Your thoughts!