Morning brings rush hour
Chaos may greet parents, children in preparing to begin day

BY CARLA HINTON

Published: October 13, 2008

Are your mornings a cross between bedlam and a bad breakfast cereal commercial?

Did your trip to work include a detour to your child’s school to deliver homework/lunch money/running shoes/or (fill in the blank)?

Did you have to sign four notes (legibly), find two clean (matching) socks or use a drum set to wake up a child resistant to the blare of his alarm clock (though your neighbors can hear it perfectly)?

If you are a parent who finds any of these scenarios familiar, Bonnie Harris offers a solution: You.

Harris, author of the new book "Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live With” (AdamsMedia, $12.95), says parents can solve the confusion and chaos that often barrel their way into the family morning routine.

"We are the ones who set the barometer for how the morning goes,” she said.

The longtime parent educator and counselor said not every family has problems making their morning routine flow smoothly, but many do.

She said challenges often stem from the fact that parents and their children typically have different ways of viewing the morning time.

"One of the traps that parents fall into is they expect their children to fall into their agenda, and they don’t,” Harris said during a telephone interview from her home in Peterborough, N.H.

Mickey Hronopulos, 46, of Oklahoma City said her household has a fairly simple routine in the mornings. The early riser gets the reward: first dibs on the bathroom.

"When our alarms go off at the same time, it’s whoever makes it to the bathroom first,” said Hronopulos, mother of Mercury, 15.

Malinda Bryson, 33 of Edmond has a larger family that comes with a larger set of challenges.

"She and her husband have three boys, ages 4, 9 and 11, and one daughter, 15. Also, the Bryson’s 16-year-old niece is living with the family.

"I think everybody has the problem of getting their teenagers out of bed. When they do get out of bed, they want to watch TV or get on the computer or ‘take just a minute’ to text somebody,” Bryson said.

Bryson said the boys sometimes attempt to wear clothes that don’t match or have problems finding their shoes.

Bryson, who works as a personnel director at a major discount chain, said she tries to make some changes by talking to the children about preparing the night before. She also is trying to make sure the girls get up earlier because they tend to need the bathroom longer.

Needless to say, she said mornings can be frustrating at times.

"There’s a lot of threats going on. I’m sorry,” she said, laughing. "I’ll say, ‘If you miss your ride, you will be walking!’ You constantly have to tell them things over and over.”

Harris said she has good news for parents like Bryson. She said parents don’t have to change their agendas, which could include getting the children off to the school bus on time, making sure everyone eats breakfast and getting themselves off to work on time.

However, parents do need to respect their child’s agenda. This means having an honest conversation with the child about their feelings on the morning rush. Harris said that’s what she did with her own daughter. She said she was like many parents who feel harried in the mornings and she had a sense that her child was grumpy and being defiant.

But Harris told her daughter that she understood her feelings and that she knew the child was not out to get her or ruin her day: "To her, it was like the first time I understood what she was going through. Just that understanding changed things and I never entered another power struggle with her.”

Harris said parents should consider why their child may be acting the way they do as the day begins. If a child appears to be dawdling, he could have a slow-moving temperament, or he could be dreading going to school for some reason.

"Is he nervous? Maybe he has a difficult time with transitions or maybe something happened at school,” she said.

Harris advises talking to children about their body clocks and having them describe themselves. Are they a morning dove — a person who "gets up at the crack of dawn and expects everybody else to do the same”? Are they a night owl, "who likes to stay up late and doesn’t like to get up?”

"It’s a fun activity to go around the family and let members tell what they think they are,” Harris said. "It’s important that you come together and talk about it.”

Parents also should look at things the family can do ahead of time to make the morning time flow efficiently.

"Maybe you need to have a checklist the night before to make sure the hockey stick is by the door, the papers are signed and the books are in the backpacks,” Harris said.

And talk about breakfast — what meals work best, Harris said.

Most importantly, get children involved in solving the various challenges facing the family.

"We’re always telling them what we want them to do, but they rise to the occasion when they genuinely know you want their opinion,” Harris said.

She cautioned parents not to give in to everything their child wants. Parents should hold their child accountable for his behavior, Harris said, but don’t go on the attack.

The key is to create a balance that works for both adults and children.

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