The reign for Spain is just a huge pain
Mr. Monday: Down with soccer
Mr. Monday: This game's a pain, so forget about Spain

Published: June 30, 2008

Last week, you were extolling the virtues of the Olympic Games, with its international brotherhood and colorful country pride, and yet, you don't have the same enthusiasm for Euro 2008, the just completed soccer extravaganza?

That's right, sports fans, Mr. Monday fits that worst of all American sports stereotypes — the soccer hater.

Sure, Mr. Monday is aware that Spain beat Germany on Sunday (or Monday or Saturday night, time zones aren't Mr. Monday's thing) in a matchup of former fascist powers (Italy must have lost the play-in.) Mr. Monday is sure the Spaniards are going to party down with the required riots and hooligans, before stopping in time for a late-night trip to the bullfights.

You see, that's the trouble Americans get into with soccer. If you want to make any good jokes, you have to tiptoe around that whole "insulting an entire country” routine.

But before you get your Adidas in a twist, soccer fans, consider that Mr. Monday and his soccer-hating brothers may have some points.

•Soccer is boring: Every time a red-blooded American brings this up, the soccerphile will talk about strategy, movement without the ball and athleticism, and try to justify a 0-0 tie. Listen, Pele, it's 0-0. No one scored! That just means that stadium crammed full of painted-faced Dutchmen might as well have watched 22 guys run around a vacant lot without a ball. That's not called defense, friends, that's called passivism. Viva La France!

•Soccer is popular (so what): Here's another gem from the soccer pals. They have to constantly remind you that football is the most popular sport in the world. To that, Mr. Monday says congrats. You've got the market cornered in Equatorial Guinea. Mr. Monday would rather have Ohio. Mr. Monday can't wait until China produces a decent middle linebacker. After that, it's all over for soccer.

•Soccer in America is no good: In case you missed it, there is no longer a pro women's soccer league and the MLS, which should rightly be playing a game this weekend in Wantland Stadium, is hanging out in Salt Lake City and has teams like the New York/New Jersey Red Bulls. If the MLS was any less popular, it would be the National Hockey League. No big loss, sports fans, we'd rather be watching Kimbo Slice explode somebody's blood-engorged ear.

•Soccer doesn't like us either: Before you start feeling sorry for the Euros, remember this. Most of the time, they're talking about us like Shaq rapping about Kobe. They think we're fat and violent and unsophisticated.

To that, Mr. Monday says bah.

But any Spaniard who wants to debate it will have to wait until Tuesday.

Mr. Monday has Weight Watchers today and Monday Night Raw is on tonight.

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