Calm Waters revises how it helps families deal with loss
Oasis for grieving
BY CARLA HINTON
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Published: October 17, 2009
When Tolonnie Hightower’s beloved sister died last year, Hightower gained custody of her two children.
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Calm Waters
For more information about Calm Waters, call 841-4800 or go online to www.calmwaters.org.
Already a single mom with three children, Hightower said she had to cope with her grief as well as her family’s.
Then a friend told her about Calm Waters, a nonprofit organization that offers free support groups for families who have lost loved ones or have experienced divorce.
Hightower, 28, said the grief support groups provided the lifeline she and her family needed.
"It helped us get through that first year. Calm Waters helped me realize that I was grieving about my sibling but also walking into a new life with two more children.”
Barbara Butner, Calm Waters’ executive director, said the organization has a new therapy dog named Sadie who helps children relax and grow more comfortable with the Calm Waters setting.
Also, Butner said the organization has changed its program for families such as Hightower’s. She said grieving families previously were required to enroll in the grief support group program for an eight-week session.
Suzie Price, program director, said if families called to join after a session had started, they had to wait until that program ended and a new one was to begin. She said families can now join a grief group at any time.
"Now, the nice thing is when they call, I don’t have to say you have to wait until the next class starts,” Price said.
Also, she said families wishing to continue the program after an eight-week session can do so for as long as they need. Butner said this is important because no one can gauge how long a person will need support through the grieving process.
"There’s no textbook ending for any family, and it all depends upon the circumstances that each family is going through,” she said. "This is tailoring our program to their needs, not ours.”
Hightower said she and her family went through two Calm Waters sessions.
She said her sister Marquita Hightower died in February 2008. The family went through a session that spring and another one several months later.
Hightower said the Calm Waters sessions helped the family learn to communicate with each other about their grief. She said the children participated in support groups for their age group, while she attended a session for adults. Riding home after the sessions, she and the children felt free to talk about the different exercises they participated in and how they helped.
"It helped them deal with their emotions, to be able to speak about her (Marquita),” Hightower said.
"It helped me know that it was OK for me to break down and cry. Being with my own group, I realized that I was not the only one going through this, and they realized they were not the only children going through this.”
Key aspects of the sessions helped family members deal with their loved one’s death in tangible ways. Hightower said they learned they could do simple things such as lighting a candle to let other family members know they were thinking about their loved one but didn’t wish to talk about their feelings at that moment.
She said they also learned it was OK to celebrate significant days such as their loved one’s birthday. Hightower let her niece pick out balloons on her mother’s birthday.
"Calm Waters has really blessed our family,” she said. "It helps that you can go to a place that helps you better understand and deal with your own situation, feelings and emotions. It’s just an awesome place.”
Continual support
Butner said the key to the ongoing grief groups is that they are free and immediate. She said Calm Waters also has support groups in about 60 schools.
She said people sometimes think the grief groups are all "doom and gloom and sadness,” but they are designed to provide a safe, warm environment for families as they grieve their loss.
"So, it’s not a sad place, but a glad place.”
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