Five reasons the White House wouldn’t as of Tuesday afternoon comment on the Department of Justice Associated Press records scandal:
5. If you want to make an omelet, you got to break a few eggs … or at least hope an AP staffer talked to someone with an awesome omelet recipe.
4. May I offer an unfettered, “No Comment?”
3. It would be inappropriate to comment with a soon-to-be-inoperative comment.
2. Our comments currently are busy with other customers, but we’ll have a comment for you as soon as one becomes available.
1. Find a photo of White House spokesman Jay Carney. Locate a black Sharpie. Draw a speech bubble emanating from Jay Carney’s mouth. Inside said speech bubble, write, “No comment.”
Five types of groups the IRS unjustifiably investigates:
5. I love the IRS.
4. You hear me? I think you folks are swell.
3. Some tell me IRS stands for Internal Revenue Service, but I’m leaning toward Incredibly Remarkable Species.
2. Can I get an autograph?
1. Hey IRS — It was cool having you in second hour this year! I’ll sure miss the noogies and wedgies and swishies! Still LOL’ing over that time you crushed my tots. Have a great summer!!
Five things I miss about April 2013:
5. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un threatening to launch missiles whose payloads consist of casings containing used pinball machine parts
Cut pounds of stomach fat every week by using this 1 weird old tip.