Five reasons the White House wouldn’t as of Tuesday afternoon comment on the Department of Justice Associated Press records scandal:
5. If you want to make an omelet, you got to break a few eggs … or at least hope an AP staffer talked to someone with an awesome omelet recipe.
4. May I offer an unfettered, “No Comment?”
3. It would be inappropriate to comment with a soon-to-be-inoperative comment.
2. Our comments currently are busy with other customers, but we’ll have a comment for you as soon as one becomes available.
1. Find a photo of White House spokesman Jay Carney. Locate a black Sharpie. Draw a speech bubble emanating from Jay Carney’s mouth. Inside said speech bubble, write, “No comment.”
Five types of groups the IRS unjustifiably investigates:
5. I love the IRS.
4. You hear me? I think you folks are swell.
3. Some tell me IRS stands for Internal Revenue Service, but I’m leaning toward Incredibly Remarkable Species.
2. Can I get an autograph?
1. Hey IRS — It was cool having you in second hour this year! I’ll sure miss the noogies and wedgies and swishies! Still LOL’ing over that time you crushed my tots. Have a great summer!!
Five things I miss about April 2013:
5. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un threatening to launch missiles whose payloads consist of casings containing used pinball machine parts
4. Those pre-April 15 dry heaves
3. Those post-April 15 dry heaves
2. Editing those Benghazi talking points
1. Entertaining post-season hopes for the Oklahoma City Thunder
Five things I miss about April 1994:
5. Blaring Pavement’s “Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain” in my one-room apartment while catatonically watching muted cartoons on TV
4. Blaring John Coltrane’s “Interstellar Space” in my one-room apartment while catatonically watching muted cartoons on TV
3. Blaring Neil Young’s “Rust Never Sleeps” in my one-room apartment while catatonically watching muted cartoons on TV
2. Being 22
1. Being a catatonic cartoon
Five reasons power corrupts:
5. Let’s play a little game. It’s called, “Sit Down and Shut Up.”
4. The afflicted, once empowered, get comfortable relatively quickly.
3. The comfortable, thus empowered, run out of folks to afflict relatively quickly.
2. My relatives, whether afflicted or comfortable, never leave quickly enough.
1. Being bad? You might someday rule the world. Being good? People might start naming tiny, baby bunnies after you. Recap: Being bad? World ruler. Being good? Token head of loosely confederated bunny army.
Five divided by 22:
0.22727272727272727272727272727273, which hasn’t much to do with anything and isn’t much to slog through all the above deadpan inanities for, admittedly.
Outpatient ROBOTIC HYSTERECTOMY. Trust an experienced Robotic Surgeon.