Five types of “Past Dense” fans:
5. Atlantic Breeze
4. Holmes Lil Blizzard Oscillating
3. Cannot read the brand name as it’s been hit by the proverbial excrement.
2. Your average Sartre-reading, obscenely bearded, Gaulois-smoking, black turtleneck-wearing intellectual; a.k.a., Smart Grandma
1. Ladies’ folding
Five reasons former S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford won Tuesday’s special U.S. House election:
5. He was forgiven his trespasses by those who adamantly oppose the Gay Bears of Tyranny.
4. “Elizabeth Colbert Busch” is South Carolinian for “Nancy Pelosi.”
3. Mark Sanford can turn water into Cheerwine.
2. Family values.
1. He won’t disappear again unless he’s holding public office.
Five reasons guns kill people:
5. If someone held you in that manner, you’d be mad, too.
4. They don’t enjoy being dressed in adorable costumes during Halloween and Christmas.
3. All that Freudian crap about guns and private parts really annoys them.
2. They cannot hear, they cannot see, they cannot talk. But they sure play a mean pinball.
1. They are engaged in a furious game of catch-up with knives, ropes, cars, drugs, diseases, and all those involved in the creation of the “Twilight” movies.
Five things Rush Limbaugh wants:
5. Total media dominance
4. Mirrored earplugs
3. A pox upon all libruls
2. The Wookie
Five reasons I’m temporarily fixated on Rush Limbaugh:
5. He’s a fine radio entertainer who should never, ever be taken seriously, even when he calls someone a name.
4. Three words: Monogrammed polo shirts.
3. He’s got a bust somewhere in Missouri. I stepped on a Starburst yesterday.
2. He swallowed my foot, then had the nerve to complain about my sharp toenails.
1. He is a Child of God, same as you and me. And, we’re both fat.
Five “Schoolhouse Rock” films we’re sad were never made:
5. Wars, Not Crimean
4. Onomatopoeian In the Pool (The Sssssssssss and Purple Swimwear Song)
3. John Coltrane’s Guide to the You-niverse: Begins with a 20-minute drum solo by Rashied Ali, then Jimmy Garrison nails a 25-minute bass solo, then the surge and you’re off on a tenor-fried, freeze-your-blood, ayahuasca-got-nothin’-on-this galactic tour guided by machine elves and owl men. Ends with a broken reed, then a meal of brains and eggs that appears to have been painted by Edward Hopper.
2. Hold on, I’m still coming down from No. 3.
1. That’s Not a Washing Machine Full of Heavy Towels, That’s Herodotus Rolling In His Grave
Five typical uses of the non-collective “we”:
5. We are family.
4. We are we are the youth of the nation.
3. We be jammin’.
2. We’re movin’ on up.
1. We need to end this and get to work.