5 targets of those who are offended by their own meaninglessness
5. Meaningless litanies of drivel seemingly categorized by ordinal numbers
4. Dogs named ‘Field Goal’
3. Cats named ‘Bulls Eye’
1. Your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free; the wretched refuse of your teeming shore
5 reasons my back hurts
5. Grampa is getting too heavy to carry to the feed store.
4. The feed sack is getting too heavy to carry to grampa’s bowl.
3. Grampa’s bowl is getting too heavy to carry to grampa’s cage.
2. Grampa’s cage door is getting too heavy to open.
1. Grampa’s TV has to be emptied of waste frequently.
5 reasons not to be offended by your own meaninglessness
5. You’ll be reincarnated as a human candle on a urinal cake in a stripper bar whose clientele consumes only Milwaukee’s Best and powerful diuretics.
4. You’ll be reincarnated as Darrell Issa, and you’ll spend your whole life teaching people how to pronounce your last name.
3. You’ll be reincarnated as Darrell Issa’s great-great-great-great-great-grandson, who in the future initiates United Federation of Planets hearings to determine if Captain Jean-Luc Picard lied about the exact number of holes in a Ressikan flute, then denies release of transcripts whose details include the exact number of holes in a Ressikan flute.
2. Wait, what?
1. Your back will hurt. And you’ll be reincarnated as grampa.
5 middling poems about blueberries
3. “How To Eat Blueberries”
2. “How To Feed Grampa Blueberries Without Hurting Your Back”
1. “Blueberry Pies on Mars”
5 reasons why Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kid
5. It’s where grampa’s favorite TV channel broadcasts from.
4. Mandatory flagpole ownership
3. No rent-to-own flagpole retailers
2. There’s no one there to raise them if you did.
1. In fact, it’s cold as hell.