6. The benchwarmer
Ah, man. That head. Look at it! It has mum’s head and dad’s cheekbones. She looks like an alien but, whatever, she’ll probably be able to dunk over semis before she has her sixth birthday.
5. The center
He’s days old but already looks intimidating. Look at that gaze — it’s like he’s peering into my soul and knows every fear I have. And he kind of has a grimace going on. This guy isn’t to be trusted, and he’d be more likely to give a hard foul than to let you drive all over him.
4. The power forward
She takes after dear old dad and likes to embarrass other players in the paint. But, she also takes after mommy dearest with her eyes. They lull you into a false sense of comfort and security. Then BAM! Welcome to Dunkville, U.S.A.
3. The small forward
He’s goofy looking, so he’s a small forward. What he lacks in cuteness he makes up for in intensity. His favorite player is Kevin Durant and hopes to one day sign with Roc Nation.
2. The shooting guard
She’s small but tough, and can sink 3s like it’s no one’s business. She models her play after Ray Allen: Silent but deadly. She wears her favorite knit cap during every practice the same way some NBA stars wear the same socks at every game.
1. The point guard
This rosy-cheeked thumbsucker has floor general written all over him. He gets flack from teammates when pictures of his dad wearing a dress and a wig are discovered in The Lost Ogle’s archives, but he brushes his shoulders off. He’s already studying Gary Payton’s moves and trash-talking, and hopes to one day have an NBA Finals series like the Sonics did against the Bulls in 1996. Except he plans to win with help from a zombified Doc Rivers.
Alright. That’s that. Let’s hope, if Upton and Griffin do procreate, that their offspring looks better than these images suggest.