Some folks found out the hard way, during the Late Housing Crash Unpleasantness, that home ownership wasn’t for them.
So it was back to sneaking peeks of “House Beautiful” or “Better Homes” or “Veranda” or some other shelter mag with a flashlight, under the covers, in an apartment or rent house.
It really is like dating and finding a mate, you know, this home ownership thing – unless it’s just a fling.
See, my house gets on my nerves the way a girlfriend or wife can – or the way a boyfriend or husband can.
Those little quirks that seem “cute” at first can become grating day after day after day, after month after month after month, after year after year after year after OMG WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP!?
Day-month-year One: Oh! What a cute little chuckle! She sounds like a little squirrel! What a cute little squirrel!
Year 17: I hate squirrels. All furred mammals, in fact. Leave me alone.
Day-month-year One: Oh! How interesting! There is a slight whistle — so very slight — in the attic ducts when the heat or air comes on. You can hear it at night. “White noise.” How comforting! This is our home.
Year 17: It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. Again. A real dark night of the soul. Our house is mocking us. We are going insane.
Day-month-year One: Aww, another sweatshirt with a pithy saying! He’s so cute! And clever, too!.
Year 17: Will this man ever grow up?! Put on some real clothes!
Day-month-year One: What? A “great room”? A great room! We have arrived! What an awesome open floor plan! And that ceiling! Truly, fit for a cathedral.
Year 17: What was so “great” about this huge space? Arrrgh! It’s too big to talk in a normal speaking voice! And drafty. Too small for real privacy! And no walls! We need walls! For bookshelves! To hang art! And the ceiling? It’s just the shape of the roof, not a cathedral!
Day-month-year One: What a great cut! She is sooo hot with her hair like that! I am so lucky to have her on my arm!
Year 17: That ’do cost how much!?
Day-month-year One: What a man! What a manly man! That beard! Rowr!
Year 17: Get away from me with that brushpile on your face!
Day-month-year One: What a nice red brick patio! How lovely, the way the baby green grass peeks around the bricks in the spring!
Year 17: Brick patio? What patio? In that grass? Did we used to have a patio?
“Mortgage” comes from an old legal term meaning “death pledge,” meaning the pledge to pay dies when a contract is paid in full, or when property is foreclosed.
Mortgage? Marriage? Both, one way or the other, quirks, flukes and peculiar habits notwithstanding, are meant to last ’til death do you part.