Name: Robin Gurwitch
Practice: OU Children’s Physicians psychologist and National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement program coordinator
Qualifications: Doctorate in clinical/medical psychology, with a special interest in child trauma and at-risk youth
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Professional perspective
Q: How common is grief in children?
A: “About 5 percent of children have a death of a parent before they’re 16. Over a quarter of kids have probably had a violent or accidental death of a friend or family member. ... It’s not an uncommon occurrence, it’s just something we don’t normally talk about. Oftentimes adults are reticent to discuss it and it may be because of their discomfort, their distress, or they’re not sure what to say.”
Q: How do you tell a child that a loved one is going to die?
A: “You are honest. ... I would stay away from euphemisms like, ‘He went to sleep,’ because for a young child: ‘Does that mean if I go to sleep I may never wake up?’... You need to think about it through the eyes of a child. The best analogy I can draw is if a child asks where babies come from, you answer a 4- or 5-year old differently than a 14-year-old, but you still give them an answer they can understand.”
Q: How are children affected by death?
A: “You may see a temporary decrease in grades, behavioral problems, attention problems,... changes in mood and appetite. You may get some withdrawal in older children. You get a lot of worry — ‘What’s going to happen to me? — that’s particularly with younger children. Regardless of age it’s often accompanied by secondary losses like changes in relationships ... and peer groups.”
Q: How can parents help?
A: “They should make sure they are connected to other family, they are more patient, more attentive. ... Parents can at least open the door — ‘I know you and your grandfather were very close and this is a hard time; I’m here if you want to talk.’ You can provide ... some education (about the grief process) so they don’t feel like they’re so different. ... And I think letting the schools know is important.”
Q: What are signs a child needs professional help?
A: “If a child is struggling, if a child is not able to do their day-to-day activities, if they’re having difficulties in school, problems with friends, then it may be worthwhile to seek additional help.”
Q: Are there opportunities in grief?
A: “Every family is going to be a little bit different in terms of what they believe about death and what they believe about what happens. Don’t rely on someone else to give those values to your child. This is your time to give your values and your ideas to your child.”
Where to turn
Gurwitch recommends turning to the following places for additional help:
* Dougy Center: (866) 775-5683 help@dougy.org www.dougy.org Offices in Oklahoma City, Norman, Edmond and Bartlesville.
* National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement: (513) 803-2222 robin-gurwitch@ouhsc.edu www.cincinnatichildrens.org/svc/alpha/s/school-crisis/default.htm.
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