Sacrifices, love bring family, baby together

By Tamie Ross

Published: November 26, 2000

EDMOND -- Conner Luke Campbell rests in his mother's arms. She speaks softly to the newborn and strokes his red- tinged cheeks. Her eyes never leave his face as she drinks in every detail of his 4-hour-old face.

Kerry and Jennifer Campbell pose with their children, Emily, 4, and Conner, 6 months. Staff Photo by David McDaniel

Jennifer Campbell wants this moment to last forever.

It won't, of course. Conner will grow and change, just as her daughter, Emily, did. He'll learn to babble and sing and crawl and walk and run. He'll leave toys on the floor and profess to have washed his hands before dinner when the layers of grime prove otherwise.

But for this moment, this precious place in time, it is mother and son. Quiet and peace. New baby and renewed mother.

And so begins the story of Conner Luke Campbell, legally known as "Baby M."

The prelude to Conner's life began many months ago. The story features many people who had a role in bringing this baby to these parents who so desperately wanted another child. And it concludes an important chapter in the life of his birth mother, who so far has kept the promise she made -- to give her child to parents who could provide a loving, stable home.

The choice hasn't been easy for any of Conner's parents. Each has had sacrifices to make, choices to consider and reconsider, legalities that have had to be met and risk that continues.

But as Jennifer Campbell gazes upon this beautiful, dark- haired baby, tears form in her eyes.

"I've earned him."

Life can't be planned

The Campbells aren't rich, by any means.

They drive a newer car that runs great and an older one that's temperamental. They worked and saved for their first nine years of marriage to buy a medium-size home in a quiet Edmond neighborhood.

So when the Campbells budgeted for life's big expenses, they approached the business of having babies from a practical standpoint. They'd save what they needed and expect insurance and maternity leave to cover expenses.

But life can't be planned. Babies can't be penned in on calendars. And when it comes down to it, faith is worth more than money in the bank.

When the Campbells decided in 1993 they were ready to start a family, friends and family anxiously awaited an announcement. The anxiety heightened when a year later there was no news of a pregnancy.

Finally, in the spring of 1995, Jennifer and Kerry Campbell found out they were to become parents. Emily Lauren was born in December with a head full of blond, fine hair. And her parents adored her.

Rita Jones, standing at right, watches Korean-born daughter Christina sliding with her playmates. Other children include, from left, Eva Harris from Guatemala; Melissa Simpson from Guatemala; Catherine Jones from Korea, and Alyssa Phansalkar from India. Marilyn Simpson, Melissa Simpson's mother, is watching from behind the girls. The children were playing at Quail Springs Mall. Staff Photo by Roger Klock

The Campbells didn't know quite how miraculous Emily's birth was until they decided to add to their family two years later.

Just as before, 12 months went by and still no lines appeared on Jennifer Campbell's home pregnancy test. They began seeking doctors' input, charting cycles and buying ovulation kits. Still nothing.

Tests then revealed that the chances of the Campbells conceiving a second child were minute. Emily likely would be their only biological child.

"We went through the classic process of grieving then," Kerry Campbell said. "Hearing news like this was a loss to us, and so we processed it just like a loss."

After initially deciding to remain a one-child family, the Campbells began exploring options after Kerry Campbell's sister adopted a child through an international program.

The cost of an open, private adoption through the agency they selected -- roughly $10,000 -- worried them initially. So did the emotional costs of adopting a child and possibly having it taken back from them.

"We spent some time asking all the questions, then the answer became clear to us," Jennifer Campbell said. "We wanted a baby. We were going to do whatever we had to."

Hope and hard work

What price can you put on a family? How much is a baby worth?

To Kerry and Jennifer Campbell, children are priceless. They felt that way about Emily, and when they decided they wanted a second child, the ceiling just went higher. The sky extended a little further.

Steps to adoption The steps required to complete an adoption vary somewhat by agency. Some require adopting couples to attend one or more orientation or education workshops. While the wait varies, the process takes at least six months from the time the child is placed to finalization, sometimes a little longer. Here is a typical timeline adopting families in Oklahoma must follow: - Application. - Attendance at an adoption education workshop. - Each potential parent writes an autobiography and submits pictures. - Background checks by the FBI, including fingerprint scans, are completed and analyzed. - A home study is completed by a licensed social worker. - The child is placed with the adopting parent(s). - Parental rights are dissolved and temporary custody awarded. - Follow-up, including another home study, is conducted. - The adoption is finalized. SOURCE: Oklahoma Department of Human Services Adoption terms glossary Home or adoption study A home study, also called an adoption study, is a written description of you and your family prepared by an adoption agency or private adoption professional. It is used to determine which child would best fit into your home. The process should be an educational and enlightening experience for the prospective adoptive family. Having a study performed by an adoption agency or licensed social worker often is the best way to proceed. The type of adoption likely will influence who should perform the home study. It is important to choose the appropriate adoption agency or licensed social worker to do your study so it will be accepted by the court. You can expect some or all of the following: - Interviews with the parents individually and together - Group meetings involving several applicant families (many agencies do this) - Autobiographies written by each parent - A home visit - Medical reports from your physician - References from friends and associates - Proof of employment - Investigations into any criminal record - Participation in adoption information training classes - Personal finance information - Copies of tax returns In the course of the home study process, you will have the opportunity to talk with your social worker about the following topics: - Why you want to adopt - Your readiness to parent - Your family's values - Your hopes and expectations for the adoptive child - Your family's strengths and weaknesses - How your family handles crises and change - Where you'll get support or professional help, if needed. It's quite possible that as you move through the process you'll be working with more than one social worker. Pre-placement This is the period of time after your home study is completed and before your child comes home. Placement Placement occurs when the child you plan to adopt moves into your home. Foster/adopt placement A child is placed with the foster/adopt family before the birth parents' rights have been legally terminated, so there is still a possibility that the child may be reunited with his or her birth family. If the birth family's rights are terminated, the foster/adopt family will be considered the adoptive family. Post-placement This is the time after the child has been placed in your home and before finalization. The social worker doing post-placement supervision will visit your home several times during the 6 to 12 months between placement and finalization to provide support for you and your child and to help you get other professional assistance, if needed, to make the placement successful. A certain number of visits are required by the courts before the adoption can be finalized. Finalization This is when the court takes the necessary action to make the child a legal member of your family. Usually, your whole family will go to court with your adoption worker or lawyer. Post-adoption This is the active, rewarding and challenging process of living as a family. SOURCE: National Endowment for Financial Education

The Campbells started working odd jobs to add to the baby savings account. They stuffed and addressed newsletters for a ministry at their church. Kerry Campbell worked overtime with a former employer helping with corporate relocations. Jennifer Campbell clocked out at her job at Hertz only to clock in again at J.C. Penney, selling baby clothes.

The irony never was lost on the hopeful young mother.

"I wanted to be buying those things, and I knew we would have our baby soon, so it never really made me sad, just hopeful," she said.

Jennifer Campbell's mother, Nancy Nethercutt, spent extra time with Emily so her parents could stockpile the money needed for the adoption.

A janitorial opening at the Campbells' church provided another way for the family to bring in more income. Kerry Campbell actually took the job, but Emily and Jennifer vacuumed, moved chairs and cleaned rest rooms at the Edmond Church of Christ.

"It turned into another way for us all to be together," he said.

"Together, as in the same place, at least," Jennifer Campbell chimed in. "You can't really have a conversation over a vacuum cleaner."

There were nights when Jennifer Campbell would arrive home late and awaken early to be at work on time. Other times Kerry Campbell fell into bed just a few hours before the alarm clock was set to ring.

But no one complained, not for long, anyway. Their baby, though they couldn't quite make out the face or see the tiny little hands, waited for them.

Rigorous preparation

"Our fence is finally fixed," Kerry Campbell enthusiastically shouted over the phone to a friend one afternoon.

To most folks, such an event hardly would be cause for celebration. For the Campbells, the fence was more like a hurdle. Their home study with a social worker was just days away and they knew the gaping fence could create problems.

"People would be amazed if they knew the hoops you have to go through to adopt a child," Kerry Campbell said. "It's nothing like giving birth at all."

Home studies are conducted by licensed social workers so that the state is satisfied a baby is being placed in the safest possible environment. These visits are made before and after a child is placed with adoptive parents.

Anything deemed potentially endangering to a child -- including a fence with slats missing -- can delay an adoption.

So can background checks. Kerry Campbell's fingerprints were read three times and Jennifer Campbell's four times. She finally bypassed the Warr Acres Police Station and went to the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation after several successive prints could not be read.

"It made me feel like a criminal," she said. "Plus, it took so much time -- an hour or more every time I went back."

Finally on Oct. 1, 1999, the couple was approved. The state of Oklahoma decided the Campbells were worthy to be parents.

The waiting began. Again.

No control

Months went by and the Campbells heard nothing.

All the preparation that led to this point was fast and intense because a baby could be waiting for them any day. Now, days were turning into weeks and weeks into months. And there was no baby.

They obtained a toll-free number, which was advertised in shopper magazines, newspapers, anywhere prospective birth mothers might look. They forwarded the number to their cellular phone when away from home and carried it continually.

Sometimes young mothers-to- be called the Campbells to inquire about their family. Every time they did, Kerry and Jennifer Campbell patiently answered questions, offered information or a sympathetic ear. They asked the birth mom to call their adoption agency.

None ever did.

"It's very hard waiting," Jennifer Campbell said. "You have absolutely no control over any aspect of the process once you get to that point. And that was very hard."

Every night as the Campbells put their daughter to bed, they included their baby-to-be in nighttime prayers.

"Lord, please bring me a baby brother or sister," Emily would pray in her soft voice. "Our family needs a baby."

Good news, bad news

One day in March, the phone rang.

The caller -- the lawyer from their adoption agency -- offered the Campbells the proverbial good news and bad news.

The good news? The Campbells had been picked by a birth mother. Two months earlier, in fact.

"I wanted to scream," Kerry Campbell said. "Two months ago? We could have known this for two months? But we were so happy we couldn't be angry."

The not-so-good news: Both the baby's biological parents had health concerns. While all prenatal tests looked favorable, the child could inherit some of his parents' genetic problems.

And while the mother obviously was in favor of the adoption, the father hadn't yet acknowledged his parenthood. Dissolving his rights could take more time and more legal work than the average adoption case.

The Campbells had more choices to make.

Were they willing to raise a baby that might have obstacles to overcome from birth? Could they take a baby home from the hospital and wait for up to a month to know whether he would remain a lifetime? Were they ready to commit financially to the expenses of adopting and raising another child, especially one that might have special needs?

The answer wasn't yes -- it was absolutely. The Campbells were going to have a baby.

Talk of the future

Gina (the birth mother's name has been changed) liked the Campbells from the moment she saw their picture. She especially liked Emily, with her long blond curls and tiny glasses. She wanted Emily to have the baby brother or sister she prayed for every night.

The Campbells took Gina to birthing classes and to tour the hospital in Stillwater before the baby's due date. They talked about what she would do after the birth, where she would go, whether she wanted pictures and updates. Most importantly, they talked about how much this baby meant to them.

Gina was quiet. Sometimes she opened up a little, but never very much.

Never, that is, until the Campbells stayed overnight with her the night before her baby was born.

Gina had been taken to the hospital because she thought her water had broken. It hadn't, nurses decided, so she was sent home because she already had been scheduled for an induction the next morning.

So rather than drive back to Edmond and return to Stillwater the next morning, the Campbells stayed with their birth mother that night.

Neither Kerry Campbell nor Gina could sleep, so they stayed up and talked.

"We talked about the baby's future, about all of our futures, about what she wanted to do with her life," he said. "She told me she felt good about her decision to give us the baby. It was almost like God had planned this time for us so we could talk before the birth this way."

The next day, Gina was admitted at 7 a.m., and the induction began at 8. Her labor progressed smoothly throughout the day.

Later, though, Gina began vomiting and the baby showed signs of distress. Indicators showed the baby's heart rate dipping dangerously low, and nurses found meconium-stained fluid. Alarms started ringing, beepers went off and loudspeakers beckoned staff members to Gina's room.

Kerry Campbell was asked to step outside Gina's room. Jennifer Campbell backed into a corner.

He called a friend on his cellular phone.

"The baby's in distress and they're prepping her for an emergency C-section," he said, his voice wavering. "We're pretty scared."

He continued to talk as his friend reassured him everything would be all right. Jennifer Campbell rushed by him as nurses pushed Gina's bed down the hallway toward the operating room.

"It was all happening so fast, we were so afraid," he said later. "We'd come so far and now we were just hanging there with nothing to hold onto but hope."

Goodbye

A few hours after her first child was born, Gina lay in her room recovering from an emergency Caesarean section. Even though she couldn't keep sips of liquid down, she begged the nurses to let her up to walk in a little while. She wanted to start healing, in more ways than one.

First, though, she wanted to hold her son, while he was still a tiny bit hers in the physical sense. In her heart, he would always be with her. But the hours they would be in the same place were passing quickly.

Gina lay there in bed, the tiny bundle of baby cradled in one arm, patting his bottom rhythmically.

No words came. There was nothing, really, to say.

Two days later, Gina presented Kerry, Jennifer and newborn son Conner a sleeper she'd picked out and held her baby one last time.

Then the people she had selected to be Conner's parents, based on a picture and a letter, took him home.
In good company

The Campbells arrived at home to find their living room filled with presents for baby Conner. A homemade banner welcoming them all hung from the fireplace. On the door, a huge blue ribbon told the neighborhood there was a new kid on the block.

The biggest gift of all, though, also was the smallest. At 8 pounds, 6 ounces, he fit easily into his big sister's arms.

Nine months after they began the process to adopt a child, the Campbells were holding their son.

"(Gina) became pregnant right around the time we decided we wanted to adopt a child," Jennifer Campbell said. "Our prayers were answered immediately, only we didn't know it then."

More of life's mysteries will be revealed over time. So far, a few have become apparent. For the Campbells, the pain of infertility brought them to one of the most special moments of their lives.

For Gina, an unplanned pregnancy that could have led to a difficult life for her and her child instead became a blessing and a lesson in sacrificial love.

And for Conner ... while his life has only begun, the company he keeps is impressive. Men like Moses and Samuel, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington Carver.

Those who were adopted.