SINGLE OR SETTLE? Women ponder marriage, or not

Heather Warlick, The Oklahoman

Published: October 1, 2008

To settle or not to settle? That is a question that millions of single women struggle with daily.

Do we hold out for Mr. Right or settle for Mr. Right Now?

Stephania Williams, 27, is a single Oklahoma City woman who is pondering this dilemma.

"I think, especially here in Oklahoma, if you're single, you're kind of seen as an oddball," she said. "This is a very conservative state and people love to get married here. People look at you like, 'What? You're 27 and not married? What's wrong with you?' I look at my friends from high school and all of them are married and have kids. A lot of my friends from college, same thing."

In the United States, nearly 6,400 marriages take place daily according to www.cdc.gov. But, as of 2006, more than half of all American adults remain single (50.3 percent according to www.unmarried.org.)

Finding the right single man in Oklahoma isn't easy, Williams said. She doesn't attend church and said she doesn't want to meet a guy at a singles bar.

In Williams' family, the topic of her unmarried status is only whispered about, yet she feels pressure from her parents and grandparents to get married and have children. She wants to marry someday, but right now, she doesn't want the pressure of looking for Mr. Right.

She admits she is looking for Mr. Right Now.

"I think if you're lucky enough to get some good years in, that's pretty good," she said. "That's where I am at right now. I'm not even looking for forever; can I just get some years, please?"

Williams remembers when, at her high school graduation, an aunt gave her a friendly reminder that college is not only about education, it's a good place to find a husband.

"You still have people who think the No. 1 goal of any woman should be to get married and have kids. And by a certain age, if you haven't done that, then it's like you have your priorities all out of whack and something's wrong with you," she said.

Jen Schefft has a unique perspective on the single or settle question. After appearing on TV's "The Bachelor" and winning the heart of the handsome, rich and charming Andrew Firestone, she seemed to have found her soul mate. But that relationship lasted only about six months, until Schefft realized that Firestone may be a "perfect" guy, but he was not perfect for her.

After their very public breakup, The Bachelor producers asked Schefft to star in The Bachelorette. Scared that she might never find the right guy on her own, she decided to go for it. During the show, she narrowed the competition from 25 bachelors to two, but neither seemed to be "the one" for her. She ended up not choosing either.

"The public treated me with so much scorn, you would have thought I had murdered someone," she wrote in the introduction to her book, "Better Single Than Sorry."

Schefft was criticized by thousands after rejecting the bachelors. But she knew that she was not alone in holding out for her Mr. Right.

In her book, she cites National Marriage Project research showing 94 percent of never-married singles agree that "When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost."

But Lori Gottlieb disagrees with the idea of holding out for your soul mate. The author of several books including her newest, "I Love You, Nice to Meet You," she wrote about her case for settling for Mr. Good Enough in an article called, "Marry Him!"

In it, Gottlieb tells of her own situation: Having found herself single and nearing the end of her prime fertility years, she conceived a baby with donor sperm. She'd dreamed of motherhood but after her baby was born, she realized that this wasn't quite the dream she'd held. It took her not settling to realize that in fact, settling might be the better option.

"The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after," Gottlieb wrote.

Society expects women to set lofty goals for education and career, she said. But regardless of how successful and ambitious she may be, every woman she knows feels panic if she reaches 30 and is still unmarried, Gottlieb said.

"Whether you acknowledge it or not, there's good reason to worry," she wrote.

The average, single thirty-something woman wonders: Is it better to be alone or to settle?

Schefft believes it's better to be alone.

"I never in a million years thought that I would be single at 30, but I also never have felt like I wanted to settle just for the sake of being married," she said. "I think a lot of women feel the same way. There are so many books out there telling us how to get a guy, but there isn't anything out there saying it is OK to be single. Don't panic, don't settle — the right person will come along. It just might not happen as quickly as you'd like it to."

Gottlieb says settle. She advises women to overlook infractions like chronic halitosis or an annoying habit. Because, she wrote, if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go.

She believes that settling could make you happier in a relationship because many who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned every year.

While she admits that settling may not be ideal, Gottlieb believes that once you take the plunge and do it, you are likely to end up fairly content.

"It sounds obvious now, but I didn't fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn't necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship," she wrote.

But Schefft is still holding out for her Mr. Right.

"I think that's kind of the misconception about my book, is that I'm saying you have to wait for Mr. Perfect, and I don't think that anyone's perfect," she said. "I'm certainly not perfect. You're waiting for someone who's right for you."

In "Better Single Than Sorry," Jen Schefft lists 50 reasons why it's great to be single.

Here are the top 10:

1. You have no responsibilities to anyone else but yourself.

2. You get to see your friends more often.

3. You shave your legs only when you feel like it.

4. You make all your own plans.

5. You no longer "get in trouble."

6. The toilet seat is always down.

7. You don't have to watch your boyfriend play video games.

8. You don't have to suffer through his sports addictions.

9. You have the whole bed to yourself.

10. You experience that all-consuming lust only at the beginning of a relationship.

Your thoughts!