Stuff: Horoscopes -- kind of

By Greg Elwell

Published: November 12, 2008

Aries – March 21 – April 20 – Your work will suffer when a tall man in a black mask keeps attacking you, breathing heavy and telling you he's your father. We'll get into the problems with the crush you have on that princess next week, Luke.

Taurus – April 21 – May 21 – A wish for peace and quiet will come true after a particularly nasty bar fight in which you lose your hearing, thus preventing you from getting mad at all the cruel things people will say about you, your scarred face and your mother.

Gemini – May 22 – June 23 – If can openers could talk, what would they say? In your case, probably the same things the doctors are telling you – stop eating so much canned ravioli.

Cancer – June 24 – July 22 – Highs and lows are ahead when, with no warning, you suddenly gain a lot of Oscar buzz, only to have people find out that you're not a movie starring Scarlett Johansson and written by Charlie Kaufman.

Leo – July 23 – August 23 – Despite your skepticism, in the right hands, a rusty spoon can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately, the right hands belong to that homeless guy you just stiffed.

Virgo – August 24 – September 22 – You will gain sudden interest in the government's role in reproductive rights when Senator Byron Dorgan introduces a bill on contraception that references you by name.

Libra – September 23 – October 23 – You don't usually accept medical advice from rock stars, but Scott Weiland makes a good point. You should take time with your wounded hand, because it likes to heal.

Scorpio – October 24 – November 22 – People will be seriously creeped out when you decide to live the old adage, "Diamonds are a girl's best friend." For one thing, those diamonds don't need to drink "flirtinis" and that mani-pedi you bought for them will do more harm than good.

Sagittarius – November 23 – December 21 – Your affection for Renaissance fairs will take a hit when you are magically transported back to the days of knights and damsels, only to find that you miss little things like hygiene and laws that prevent sexual assault.

Capricorn – December 22 – January 20 – A popular game will lead you to ruin when you misunderstand the rules of reading fortune cookies and try to get everybody to enjoy a big dinner of Chinese take-out in your marital bed.

Aquarius – January 21 – February 18 – Finally and for the first time in your life, you will have the last laugh. It will come shortly after the poison takes hold and just before the police show up. Then, no one will laugh. Not ever again.

Pisces – February 19 – March 20 – You will be heartbroken to learn that the man you called "Grandpa" for years, the man who taught you everything you know about life, was actually just the Werther's Original pitchman.

Your thoughts!