Support groups, faith help woman grapple with grief

Julie Bisbee, Staff Writer

Published: June 29, 2008

MUSKOGEE — When Pamela Stonebarger's son was killed, there were days when she didn't want to get out of bed.

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Her son, Jonathan Scott Cannon, was 22 when he was stabbed and killed at a party in Muskogee County in 2004. The shock and pain of losing her son tore Stonebarger apart.

When she began to piece her life together, it was hard to concentrate and some days difficult to do even the simplest tasks. Her doctor prescribed antidepressants. The pills made her numb. She stopped taking them.

“I just felt like they sugar-coated things, and I knew someday I would have to face all this,” said Stonebarger, who is a business and computer instructor in Muskogee.

Stonebarger sought individual counseling and went to support groups for grieving families.

“I was the only one in the group that had lost a child and that's different than losing spouse, or losing a parent — it doesn't even compare,” Stonebarger said. “I don't want to downplay anyone's loss. But the grief when you lose a child is not the same. The grief process may be the same, but the loss is not the same.”

Stonebarger stopped going to her counselor. It didn't seem right to be talking about the grief of having your child killed with someone who had never experienced that kind of pain.

“Counselors have the education, but it wasn't helpful for me,” Stonebarger said. “Truly, the people who helped me the most were the ones that had been through it.”

For her, support groups with other parents who had a children killed or murdered gave her perspective and the will it took to began to piece her life back together.

“I realize that I'm not the only mother who is going through this,” Stonebarger said. “I would meet them and think, ‘They're surviving. I can do this. I'm not the only one. I can do it.' ”

Stonebarger also threw herself into seeking justice for her son. She spent nearly a year working on getting signatures for a petition for a grand jury hearing against the men who were believed to have killed her son. The district attorney at the time said there wasn't enough evidence to press charges against the man who now sits in jail for her son's death.

Even after her son's killer was convicted of first-degree manslaughter and sentenced to nine years in prison, Stonebarger continued to struggle with her son's death.

“You think something will change after that, but it doesn't,” Stonebarger said. “You get a sense of satisfaction, but there's no closure. It doesn't really go away. I deal with this daily.”

To help herself heal, Stonebarger looked for positive things that happened after her son's death. Cannon's organs were donated. His life continues on in the people who live because of his organs, Stonebarger said.

Years after her son's death, Stonebarger is an outspoken advocate for victims’ rights. And she still has good and bad days. But her faith is constant, and she has drawn strength from it.

“I don't know how people handle this kind of thing if they don't have God,” Stonebarger said. “I can see where parents commit suicide. Sometimes you're just in that frame of mind, you're not thinking about all you have, you're only thinking about what you've lost. Some people turn to drugs, some turn to alcohol. I chose God. Had it not been for God I don't think I could have made it.”

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