I'm pretty sure serial killers hide out in deserted buildings.
They're in dilapidated hotels, condemned gas stations and empty farm houses, waiting to strike. Don't ask me how I know this. I just have a hunch.
Or a phobia.
Whenever I see a deserted building, I get the heebie-jeebies. I think — irrationally — that there must be bad guys hiding there. I haven't been able to find a term for this fear of deserted buildings, but I'm sure there is one. I think what I have is akin to cenophobia, a fear of empty rooms, or atephobia, the fear of ruins.
I recently confessed this phobia to my fiance, who of course immediately made fun of me. Maybe I shouldn't have told him my theory about serial killers, which I'm sure is a totally legitimate and accurate hypothesis. After realizing that most people probably aren't suspicious of deserted buildings, I started thinking about other fears I have. Turns out, I'm scared of all kinds of weird things — and there are names for them.
•Bathophobia: Fear of depth. I'm greatly concerned a sea monster will swallow me whole.
•Gephyrophobia: Fear of bridges or crossing bridges. My stomach flips when I drive over a bridge, and I can't cross a bridge on foot unless I'm in the middle of the bridge. This is difficult if there's, you know, traffic.
•Climacophobia: Fear of stairs. I'm OK going up, but going down stairs makes my knees weak. If I'm ever in a tall burning building, I'm doomed. I'd make the slowest getaway ever.
Living in Oklahoma City for the past four years, I've developed some regional-specific fears. No scientific terms exist for these fears yet, so I've come up with my own:
•Fishytatophobia: The fear of tattooed fish.
•Ecodrivophobia: The fear of carpooling or giving up the car for more Earth-friendly transportation.
•Cornophobia: The fear of ethanol in my gas tank.
•Windophobia: The fear of being blown away to Kansas.
•Milliophobia: The fear of not completing Mayor Mick Cornett's million-pound weight-loss challenge.
•Leftylaneyphobia: The fear of writing a column about driving slowly in the left-hand lane.
•Seattlophobia: The fear of the Sonics basketball team not coming to Oklahoma City fast enough.
•Boozophobia: The fear of 6-point beer.
