To scold or not to scold (when the kids aren’t yours)
PARENTING: Editor of Family Circle magazine offers guidelines for maintaining order when children’s friends act out
By Heidi Stevens
Comments 
5
Published: October 1, 2009
Modified: September 30, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Darcy Jacobs knows what it’s like when a routine trip to the playground becomes a to-scold-or-not-to-scold moment.
Multimedia
More Info
"A previous generation grew up where there were grandparents nearby, neighbors all knew each other, and we set more boundaries together. We live our lives more singularly. We e-mail, we text, but we don’t talk a lot. We’re each responsible for our own kids, but it’s hard to step in when it involves someone else’s child."
Darcy Jacobs,
Family Circle executive editor
NewsOK Related Articles
Not her own children, mind you. It’s the other kids, especially the tweenagers, who leave her befuddled.
"I’ve been there when the older kids are standing there just cursing, cursing, cursing,” says Jacobs, mom to a 10-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter. "I had that debate with myself, and I finally said, ‘Look guys, there are little kids here.’”
Jacobs is the executive editor of
Family Circle magazine, so she’s fluent in parenting mores.
The fact that even she’s puzzled about when to rein in other people’s children proves that there are no hard-and-fast rules.
"A previous generation grew up where there were grandparents nearby, neighbors all knew each other, and we set more boundaries together,” she says. "We live our lives more singularly. We e-mail, we text, but we don’t talk a lot. We’re each responsible for our own kids, but it’s hard to step in when it involves someone else’s child.”
Still, Jacobs offers some general guidelines to follow when you witness tweens gone wild.
→
At your house: "If you’re with kids and you’re in charge, you have a responsibility to rein them in,” Jacobs says. "Your house rules are in effect.”
The same holds true if you’re carpooling or chaperoning.
Enforcing those rules, of course, is another story.
Jacobs suggests getting the other parents onboard ahead of time. "You phrase it as a rhetorical question, like, ‘I hope you’re OK if I ask all the kids to turn off the video games after an hour.’”
This gives you the knowledge that other parents are on your side, and the ability to shoot down "but my mom lets me …” complaints.
"You say, ‘When we’re at my house, these are my rules, and I need you to follow them,’” Jacobs says. "And you can always offer to call their mom and ask what she thinks.”
→
In public: Before you act, Jacobs suggests assessing the kind of line the kids are crossing.
"Is it your personal line, or is it a line where this isn’t proper behavior for the community?”
So, while burping at the theater before the movie starts is annoying, it might be better to take that up with your own kids later, as in "Hey, wasn’t that rude? Let’s make sure we never do that.”
But if you see kids defacing property or engaging in behavior that’s potentially harmful, speak up.
"Sometimes kids are just bored, and all it takes is you to step in and say, ‘Hey guys, let’s not do that,’” Jacobs says. "If it’s something where you fear it might escalate, or it’s crossing the line of legality, then you might call the police.”
→
With their parents: If the offender’s parents are present, it’s best to try to get them on your side before addressing their child.
"Try to make it a group thing, like, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to go remind the girls they shouldn’t be screaming so loud,’” Jacob says. "Or, ‘Why don’t we go talk to them,’ or ‘should I let them know? ...’ so no one’s getting singled out.”
Again, make sure it’s behavior that offends more than just your sensibilities.
"If it’s just something you wouldn’t like your child to do, let it go,” she says. "But if they’re acting unruly or things are getting out of hand, and the other parent looks at a loss, step in.”
McClatchy-Tribune Information Services
Leave a Comment
Life Photo Galleriesview all
Prev
Something to say about this topic? Submit a Letter to the Editor online
Thank you for joining our conversations on newsok. We encourage your discussions but ask that you stay within the bounds of our terms and conditions. Please help us by reporting comments that violate these guidelines. To review our rules of engagement, go to Commenting and posting policy.
Log in below or sign up (it's free).
The kids respond well, and nobody seems to take too much offense.