5: 59 p.m. Welcome to StaticBlog’s live, start-to-finish, red-carpet -to-red-eye coverage of the 2013 Oscars, one of the great endurance tests of our time, right up there with triathlons and competitive eating.
6:01 p.m. Oklahoma’s Own ™ Kristin Chenoweth opened the red carpet saying the red carpet is about “500 feet long, or 2000 of me.” Kristin is diminutive, but the math on that is about 3 inches, I think. She’d have to climb the microphone.
6:05 p.m. Jessica Chastain is the first on the carpet. Don’t know if that counts for anything, but watch where they seat her and how often the camera is trained in that direction.
6:13 p.m. When they break away for a massive, seemingly documentary length sequence on Oscar fashion, Andy Dick must have broken in and peed on the carpet.
6:16 p.m. Jennifer Lawrence walks the carpet. Watched “Silver Linings” again Friday, and I’m pretty convinced it’s going her way tonight.
6:26 p.m. Are they seriously doing a “Flat Stanley” with an Oscar statue?
6:30 p.m. Joseph Gordon-Levitt wants to talk about acting artistry. Kelly Rowland wants to talk about his socks. Just another day in Hollywood.
6:35 p.m. Was that a randomly selected hodgepodge of movies that came out in 2012, or a Google ad? Seriously, it wasn’t a commercial break, and yet it was. Singularity now!!!
6:39 p.m. Oklahoma’s Own Kristin Chenoweth gave a shoutout to the Oklahoma City Thunder! I think she and Bradley Cooper’s mom need to play some one-on-one at Chesapeake Arena.
6:54 p.m. Daniel Radcliffe made two appearances on the red carpet. Normally they don’t circle around and do a second, especially with someone who isn’t nominated. Must have needed to tread some water.
7:05 p.m. Strange things going on in audio — apocalyptic-sounding echoes, random sequences of Kristin Chenoweth talking over Sandra Bullock. Just like real life.
7:12 p.m. Anne Hathaway says that the cast of “Les Miserables” will be performing. The official toilet break has been announced.
7:24 p.m. We’re almost there. I’ve trained for the next four hours by consuming copious amounts of water and homemade chili. Nothing can go wrong.
7:31 p.m. “And the quest to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh begins now.” And we’re off!
7:32 p.m. MacFarlane is killing. About Roman Coppola’s childhood: “Mom, I got an A in Spanish.” “Oh really? Literally everyone you’re related to has an Oscar.”
7:37 p.m. “We Saw Your Boobs” — the best song opening in many, many, many years. This better be on iTunes tomorrow so Charlize Theron can download it. Man, she seemed to hate that, but then came out for the big song and dance with a smile on her face. Great all around.
7:43 p.m. Oh, the sock puppet “Flight” theater. MacFarlane is just awesome. No matter what Shatner says, this is already a winner. Making out with Sally Field was a nice touch, the TransAm, “Be Our Guest” — all of it.
7:50 p.m. Octavia Spencer announces:
Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin, Argo
Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
And the award goes to…
Christoph Waltz — two for two on nominations and wins. Richly deserved. I could have been happy with any of these guys winning, but this was my preferred choice.
7:55 p.m. Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy announce loudly and with much phlegm and inspired strangeness …
Best Animated Short
Adam and Dog
Head over Heels
Maggie Simpson in “The Longest Daycare”
And the winner is…
Paperman — nice.
Best Animated Feature
The Pirates! Band of Misfits
And the winner is…
“Brave.” I wanted “Ralph” to take this one, but it clearly had too many poop jokes.
8:04 p.m. Most of the male cast of “The Avengers,” bearing the stamp of MacFarlane writing in their backbiting patter, announce…
Anna Karenina, Seamus McGarvey
Django Unchained, Robert Richardson
Life of Pi, Claudio Miranda
Lincoln, Janusz Kaminski
Skyfall, Roger Deakins
And the award goes to…
A very excited Lucius Malfoy for “Life of Pi.” Then our heroes give out…
Best Visual Effects
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton and R. Christopher White
Life of Pi, Bill Westenhofer, Guillaume Rocheron, Erik-Jan De Boer and Donald R. Elliott
The Avengers, Janek Sirrs, Jeff White, Guy Williams and Dan Sudick
Prometheus, Richard Stammers, Trevor Wood, Charley Henley and Martin Hill
Snow White and the Huntsman, Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, Philip Brennan, Neil Corbould and Michael Dawson
But wait — there’s more. “Life of Pi” wins again, and the technicians get played off by “Jaws,” apparently in need of a bigger boat for their acceptance speech.
8:16 p.m. Jennifer Aniston and Channing Tatum talk waxing and …
Best Costume Design
Anna Karenina, Jacqueline Durran
Les Misérables, Paco Delgado
Lincoln, Joanna Johnston
Mirror Mirror, Eiko Ishioka
Snow White and the Huntsman, Colleen Atwood
And the winner is…
Anna Karenina. Tatum and Aniston stick around for …
Best Makeup and Hairstyling
Hitchcock, Howard Berger, Peter Montagna and Martin Samuel
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Peter Swords King, Rick Findlater and Tami Lane
Les Misérables, Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell
The award goes to…
8:24 p.m. Halle Berry gives us a bathroom break by introducing a lengthy James Bond montage, followed by Shirley Bassey, who gives a characteristically campy rendition of “Goldfinger.” Belts it out at the end, chews on enough scenery to warrant calling out the Teamsters for set repairs.
8:32 p.m. Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx announce…
Best Live Action Short
Death of a Shadow
And the winner is “Curfew.” Foxx and Washington then announce…
Best Documentary Short
Mondays at Racine
And the winner is “Inocente.”
8:41 p.m. Ben Affleck announces…
Best Documentary Feature
5 Broken Cameras
How to Survive a Plague
The Invisible War
Searching for Sugar Man
And it goes to “Sugar Man.” I don’t think there was a question of where this one was going. Great film, and by all means, seek out the soundtrack music. Rodriguez deserves this much-belated attention.
8:50 p.m. “This is like church, only with more people praying.” Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain announce…
Best Foreign Language Film
A Royal Affair, Denmark
War Witch, Canada
The winner is Michael Haneke, who is all heart and warmth.
8:54 p.m. Why is Travolta still wearing that damn rug?
8:58 p.m. I hate transparent time-wasting, and we’re into that portion of the program. “Chicago”? “Dreamgirls”? Finally, we have a salient performance in the form of “I Dreamed a Dream” from “Les Miserables,” but the performances of past songs from past musicals is entirely unnecessary, especially songs that did not win because they were not eligible. I’m cranky, and I haven’t even listened to Russell Crowe sing yet.
9:12 p.m. Mark Wahlberg and Ted show up to present sound mixing. I’m continually impressed with how they pull off the CG in these live settings. No Mila Kunis, though. Sigh.
Best Sound Mixing
Argo, John Reitz, Gregg Rudloff and Jose Antonio Garcia
Les Misérables, Andy Nelson, Mark Paterson and Simon Hayes
Life of Pi, Ron Bartlett, D.M. Hemphill and Drew Kunin
Lincoln, Andy Nelson, Gary Rydstrom and Ronald Judkins
Skyfall, Scott Millan, Greg P. Russell and Stuart Wilson
“Les Miz” wins. Wahlberg and his teddy bear continue.
Best Sound Editing
Argo, Erik Aadahl and Ethan Van der Ryn
Django Unchained, Wylie Stateman
Life of Pi, Eugene Gearty and Philip Stockton
Skyfall, Per Hallberg and Karen Baker Landers
Zero Dark Thirty, Paul N.J. Ottosson
“Zero Dark Thirty” and “Skyfall” tie. There is probably precedent here, but I don’t know what it would be. When was the last time there was a tie in any Oscar? If anybody has insight, let me know.
9:20 p.m. Christopher Plummer announces the next big acting category…
Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams, The Master
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
Hathaway wins. No real surprise, though I predicted they would really like Sally Field for this one.
9:32 p.m. Sandra Bullock announces…
Best Film Editing
Argo, William Goldenberg
Life of Pi, Tim Squyres
Lincoln, Michael Kahn
Silver Linings Playbook, Jay Cassidy and Crispin Struthers
Zero Dark Thirty, Dylan Tichenor and William Goldenberg
And the winner is…
“Argo,” but this win makes me wonder why the academy thinks this is an editing achievement rather than a directorial one. They are wrong. Wrong, damn it.
9:35 p.m. Jennifer Lawrence introduces Adele’s performance of “Skyfall.” It’s a great classicist Bond theme — I kind of think John Barry should be getting songwriting credit even for these themes written long after his death, though I’m sure he’s happy to pass on the Chris Cornell song from “Casino Royale.”
9:48 p.m. Daniel Radcliffe and Kristen Stewart announce …
Best Production Design
Anna Karenina, Production Design: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, production Design: Dan Hennah; Set Decoration: Ra Vincent and Simon Bright
Les Misérables, Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Anna Lynch-Robinson
Life of Pi, Production Design: David Gropman; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
Lincoln, Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson
The winner is…
“Lincoln,” and I’m wondering if it gets a whole lot more beyond Day-Lewis’ soon-to-be-announced win.
9:50 p.m. Salma Hayek announces Governors Awards for George Stevens Jr., Hal Needham, D.A. Pennebaker and Jeffrey Katzenberg. But this is StaticBlog. I’m posting the Salma Hayek picture. Go elsewhere for your Jeffrey Katzenberg pinups.
9:58 p.m. Bring Out Yer Dead! Ulo Grosbard, we hardly knew ye. But in all seriousness, I’m always surprised by at least one of the names on the list, like Chris Marker, director of the great “La Jetee,” the short film that inspired Terry Gilliam’s “12 Monkeys.” At the end, Barbra Streisand performed “The Way We Were” in tribute to the late Marvin Hamlisch, but I’m fairly certain that the maestro would tell her to try another take. Ugh.
10:08 p.m. The cast of “Chicago” (Why?) announces…
Best Original Score
Anna Karenina, Dario Marianelli
Argo, Alexandre Desplat
Life of Pi, Mychael Danna
Lincoln, John Williams
Skyfall, Thomas Newman
And the winner is…
Danna’s score for “Life of Pi,” but seriously — beating out Thomas Newman, John Williams and Alexandre Desplat? I would have taken the Desplat score for “Argo” easily. In any other year, “Pi” would probably be winning more than technical and music awards, but 2012 was a hell of a year.
And in related news…
Best Original Song
“Before My Time” from Chasing Ice, music and lyric by J. Ralph
“Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from Ted, music by Walter Murphy; lyric by Seth MacFarlane
“Pi’s Lullaby” from Life of Pi, music by Mychael Danna; lyric by Bombay Jayashri
“Skyfall” from Skyfall, music and lyric by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth
“Suddenly” from Les Misérables, music by Claude-Michel Schönberg; lyric by Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boublil
And the winners are Adele and Epworth. What, you thought Seth and Walter Murphy were going to win for the “Ted” song? Know the “Pi” song by heart, do you? “Skyfall” was the only standout in a weak year.
10:23 p.m. Charlize Theron and Dustin Hoffman present:
Best Adapted Screenplay
Argo, Chris Terrio
Beasts of the Southern Wild, Lucy Alibar and Benh Zeitlin
Life of Pi, David Magee
Lincoln, Tony Kushner
Silver Linings Playbook, David O. Russell
The winner, and most deservedly so, is…
“Argo.” And moving along smartly to the next one…
Best Original Screenplay
Amour, Michael Haneke
Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino
Flight, John Gatins
Moonrise Kingdom, Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola
Zero Dark Thirty, Mark Boal
And, winning the Quentin Tarantino/”Pulp Fiction” Memorial Consolation Prize for Best Original Screenplay is…
10:34 p.m. Okay, the big ones start rolling out. Michael Douglas and Jane Fonda announce…
Michael Haneke, Amour
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Honestly, this is so totally out in left field, I cannot believe it. Maybe the biggest long shot of the evening. The winner is…
Ang Lee. A great director in charge of a great technical achievement, but I would have taken the work of any of the others over this, including the unmentioned Ben Affleck.
Well, except Haneke.
10:40 p.m. Jean Dujardin announces…
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhane Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Jennifer Lawrence. Excellent. Let’s go for a “Silver Linings” parlay.
10:45 p.m. Meryl Streep announces…
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Denzel Washington, Flight
Was Joaquin eating something? Bored, are we? The winner is…
Day-Lewis, the first actor to win three Oscars in the best actor category. There was never a question here. Wouldn’t want to be nominated against this man, but everyone should admire his commitment and talent.
10:53 p.m. Jack Nicholson introduces…
First Lady Michelle Obama, who announces …
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Life of Pi
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Yes, it directed itself. The winner is…
“Argo.” A great film. Ben, I’m glad you got the production statuette. Grant Heslov, nice job of introducing the director of the best picture winner.
A gracious speech, too.
Good night. Time to fall the hell down. And as Kristin and Seth sang, “Here’s To The Losers.”
– George Lang
Cut pounds of stomach fat every week by using this 1 weird old tip.